I’m back and I’m PREGNANT

Yup, you heard it here first…or maybe on Facebook…LOL  I’m pregnant.  I’m almost 15 weeks and it’s been a hell of a ride so far.  Andrea came to visit back in October and apparently having company was what it took…:)  TJ and I had decided to take a break from the fertility drugs from October to the first of the year so that we could enjoy the holidays without the ups and downs that were involved in the Clomid.  My moods were crazy and the hope followed by disappointment cycle was killing me slowly.  So we were going to stop the drugs and after the first of the year we were going to have our consult at The Fertility Clinic, which came highly recommended by my O.B.  With Andrea here I started to get back into the swing of life, which I really needed.  We went to a knit night and we hoping to make plans to do more things with knitting friends.  Shortly thereafter, though, I started to feel sick all the time.  TJ and I were pretty sure I had picked up some sort of bug and we were trying to ride it out.  When Thanksgiving came and went and I was still sick much of the time and tired all the time, we decided it was time to go to the doctor to find out if God forbid there was something really wrong with me; pregnancy never crossed either of our minds b/c I was off the Clomid and I hadn’t ovulated on my own in years.  So the night before we were going to call for an appointment or go into the ER, TJ suggested I take the pregnancy test that we had left from when we were trying so that we could tell the doctor that we had done the test and it was negative.  I went into the bathroom at 2am on Dec. 5th fully expecting the same negative I had seen every time I’ve taken a home test and was shocked, to say the least, when two lines appeared instantly.  I started yelling “Oh My God…” over and over again and then I ran into the bedroom and started jumping on the bed.  TJ, who was sound asleep at this point, was more than a little startled.  It was a shock and it was crazy.  We went to the O.B.’s office the following week and found out that we were just over 9 weeks pregnant.  No wonder I had been so tired and was sick constantly.  It was thrilling to go from almost giving up on having another child to seeing this baby inside me moving around.  What a trip.

Being pregnant at 35 is MUCH different than it was at 29.  I’m still suffering from severe morning sickness:  no throwing up but I’m sick to my stomach much of the time and there is very little that I can eat.  It’s not that I can’t KEEP food down, I can’t GET food down.  I gag on almost everything that I try to eat.  The only things I have found that I can eat readily are salads from Outback Steakhouse (don’t know what it is about their salads, but they are the only ones that go down easily) and cup of soup from Lipton.  I’ve lost almost 30 lbs since I’ve been pregnant, which is not ideal but the baby is looking good and measuring right on track.  I’m hoping that as I get farther into my 2nd trimester things will get better.  I remember enjoying pregnancy so much with Jacob and this baby is going to be the last one that we have (there is no way that I’m going to go through this again; I’m just too damn old…LOL) and I’d really like to enjoy this pregnancy at some point.  Lots of people have said that the fact that this pregnancy is so much more difficult and that I’m so much sicker means that it’s going to be a girl this time rather than a boy.  I kind of hope that they are right.  I’d love to have a girl this time, but I’d be happy with another boy as well, of course.  The other problem I’ve had with this pregnancy is being so freaking tired.  I’m still sleeping at least 15 hours on a good day and more like 20 hours on a bad day.

We’re hoping that we’ll be able to find out the sex of this baby at my appt. on Feb. 3rd.  We’ll be 16 weeks then.  We might have to wait until the 20 week appt. though.  We’ll see, I guess.  I’m really hoping to be back into the swing of things with having a life soon.  I feel like I’ve become really isolated during the last few years and just as I was trying to get away from that, this pregnancy took over.  I have to find a way to make/maintain friendships b/c I miss that kind of connection.  I love Jake and TJ and being with them is amazing but I need more, I think.  I need friends to spend time with and to have things in common with.  I just have to get past this whole sleeping all the time/being sick thing and then I can concentrate on that.  🙂  To all the people who I haven’t seen/talked to in months and months, I do think of you and miss you.  I hope that we can reconnect soon!!!


I’m still alive

Just a quick little postlette (is that even a word?) to let you all know I’m still here. I’ve been trying really hard to blog more frequently, especially since my little stat program told me that there are a lot of visits from a specific area of Southern CA…anyone related to me reading this, I love you and I’m so glad to know that you are taking an interest in reading my little ramblings. Comment, though, let me know you’re out there.
I haven’t posted much in the last few weeks. That call from the OB office re: referring me to the RE really shook me up for some reason. On an intellectual level I know that it doesn’t change anything really, it’s just moving to a doctor that’s better qualified to deal with whatever problems I might be having, but it feels like a failure to me. I think the most difficult thing for me is not knowing what’s going to happen. I really want to skip this next cycle of Clomid (which of course I won’t) and go straight to the referral. If they tell me that there is nothing they can do for me it will break my heart, I will want to die, but of course I won’t. I will mourn for what will never be and then I’ll move on b/c I have to: I have a family here that needs me to be me and to be the best me that I can be. I’ll keep up with the estrogen supplements if I can b/c they make me a hell of a lot more “normal” whatever that means, but other than that I’ll be able to move on with my life. It’s the constantly getting my hopes up every cycle only to have them dashed when Ovulation doesn’t happen that is killing me.
We have to wait until after the first of the year for financial reasons (flex plan at work) to really get started with anything with the RE, but I want to do the consult before the end of the year; no sense in putting a ton of money into flex if there isn’t any reason for it, you know?!?! During the interim I’ve been thinking that I might like to try some alternative methods of achieving fertility. I’ve heard really good things about acupuncture and as afraid as I am of the needles, I’m more afraid of not having another baby. I’ve also heard that a chiropractor can be a big help. I know you have to be careful not to get hooked up with a quack who just wants your money, though, so I’ll obviously have to do some research. There are also vitamins that you can take that are supposed to help in the ovulation/fertility department and I figure those can’t hurt either. A little homeopathic treatment while I’m waiting for the hard-core drugs (I just pray I don’t end up with quads or quints, although I’d rather have that than nothing – don’t tell TJ….LOL) to begin.
On the knitting front…don’t know if I mentioned it but I finished Krista’s scarf awhile ago…just have to package it and mail it. I’m a lazy, lazy thing once things are done…just ask my mom and she’ll tell you all about me and package sending…LOL It’s like a running joke. I’ve started a pair of socks for TJ in a funky green/black colorway called northern lights by damselfly yarns on etsy…look them up, they have great stuff!!! I’m also working on a simple pair of toe up lace socks for myself using Fleece Artists BFL sock yarn (which smells so much like sheep; I’m in love) in the stone colorway which is simple and beautiful. I have two baby projects that are almost done, but I just can’t bear to work on baby things right this moment. My friend L’s baby was just born and the Anouk I’m making for her is for next spring/summer, so I have time…the blanket I have to force myself to get back to; baby Alison is already six months. My girlfriend Julie also just had a baby girl and she has a naming ceremony coming up in October…I need to bang something out for little Piper. I was thinking maybe some decadent socks and a Baby Surprise Jacket for her. So much to do, so little time…:)
More later…and I haven’t forgotten my promise to post pictures from our trip to the beach, just more lazy on my part….later all.

The Baby Quest Begins

So today is my first day taking the Clomid at a higher dose.  I took the two pills this morning and I’m waiting for horrible side effects to kick in.  So far so good.  Last time I took Clomid (at 1/2 the current dose) I had some moodiness, lost my appetite almost completely and couldn’t sleep for more than an hour or so at a time for the entire five days.  I took it at night last time in hopes of avoiding some of the bitchier side effects.  I paid with sleep.  So we’ll see how this goes.

I’m really feeling anxious about this!  I want to have another baby so badly I can taste it.  Every time I see a baby on TV or a pregnant woman or someone shopping with a newborn I just want to bawl my eyes out.  I’m grateful that I have the wonderful child that I have and I know there are so many women who don’t even have the one who are going through what I am and even worse, but it doesn’t change the visceral reaction I have to seeing these things.

Having the world’s most hellacious period doesn’t help matters, I have to admit.  I was complaining last week about bleeding heavily for over 3 weeks; yeah, let’s go back to that.  This bleeding is MUCH heavier and the cramps are horrible.  It’s almost like VERY mini-labor.  My hip bones feel like they want to pop out…LOL  So I’m in bed (or on couch depending on the time of day) and I’m playing TV, computer, and knitting catch up.  I plan to (read: hope to) finish the Moderne Baby Blanket in the next day or so.  I have block #10 and the border left and I’m done.  Then I have the 2nd 1/2 of Anouk to finish for my friend Lisa’s new baby girl, Ainsley (isn’t that a beautiful name?)  I have to say that Anouk is one of the favorite projects that I’ve done lately.  I love the yarn – Cascade’s Pima Tencel – it’s so soft and the colors are so vibrant.  I’m using the same colors that are used in the pattern and I love it.  I’d like to make another one in the future using some softer colors as well.  I think it would make a pretty little tunic in pastels. We’ll see.

My 52 pair plunge seems to have plunged itself right down the toilet.  I haven’t even finished the first pair.  I’m getting ready to order the replacement needles that I need so that I can get back to work.

We’re getting ready to leave for a week in Pittsburgh tomorrow.  Wondering how that car ride will go with the cramps?  TJ has to work there and we don’t like being apart for a week if we don’t have to.  It’s fun to get a chance to take Jake to different states and for him to see different things.  Doesn’t look like we’ll have a lot of time this time around to go a museum or an aquarium, but I’m sure we’ll find something to do.  We’re staying at one of my favorite hotels: the Hampton Inn.  I gotta tell you that the beds at this hotel are to die for.  OMG…so comfortable.

Gotta run…Jake wants to play War.  It’s his new favorite card game and he’s pretty good at it.  It’s been great for helping him learn numbers and what number is bigger than what other number etc.  Later folks…

Loving the new Fertility Doctor

I had my appointment with the new Fertility Doctor yesterday.  I was so scared going in that I was going to get really bad news.  Not so much!!!  Yay!  We talked about the period that will not end – he said it was annovulatory bleeding and it could go on for a long time.  The solution to it, strange as it may seem, is to make me bleed more.  LOL  He’s given me a Rx for Provera to make me have a “real” period.  That will be followed by 5 days of Clomid, then 4 days of Estrogen and later 10+ days of Progesterone.  He tells me that this cocktail of meds is twice as effective as using Clomid alone.  He also doubled the dose of the Clomid this cycle. So I’m feeling optimistic for the first time in a long time about having another baby.  With my birthday coming up, I can’t think of a better present than a positive on a pregnancy test.  Here’s hoping…

Finished K’s Multi-Directional Scarf finally.  I started it in Feb. of ’08 when I was in CA. for a visit.  I put it aside for a long time when I got home.  When I realized that I was leaving to go out there again in May of this year, I got it out and started working on it again.  I worked on it while I was out there and hoped to get it done while I was there to give to her, but I didn’t have the time I thought I would for knitting while I was out there, so I didn’t get to finish it before I came home.  Now that it’s done, I’m let down.  I really enjoyed the simplicity of the pattern; made for great TV  knitting.  So now I’m working full time on the Moderne Baby Blanket for my FIL’s girlfriend’s newest granddaughter.  More easy knitting, but as you get to the end parts, each section takes forever.  I’m almost done with block 9 of 10 blocks and then I just have the border to do and it will be off to the baby.  I need to hurry, though, b/c she was born in Feb. so if it’s not done soon, she’ll outgrow it…:)  My sock plunge is really suffering, but I’ve got to get these things done.  It’s my motivation to hurry so I can finish my Coriolis socks.

I’m having a problem with size five needles, though.  It’s like I’m cursed with these.  In the last six months I’ve managed to snap in half one each of two different sets of Harmony Option size 5 tips and one of the Harmony Straights size fives.  Of course all of my current projects: socks, baby blanket, shawl are all being done on fives.  ARGH!!!  Time for a Knit Picks order.

Sick Kitty

Just a quick note.  I haven’t been blogging much in the last few days.  It’s been hectic around here.  I’ve got my first appointment with the fertility people on Wednesday and I’m nervous as hell about that.  I’m terrified about what I’m going to hear and what it’s going to mean for us in terms of having another baby, which I want desperately.

We’re also dealing with the (seemingly) imminent demise of one of our precious kitties.  Miss Melly, who turned 10 in July, had a rather large lump removed from her mammary gland back in late September/early October.  The vet said he was fairly confident that it was malignant and we let it go from there.  We decided that we weren’t going to subject her to chemo. etc. and I think there was a part of me that just really wanted to believe that he was wrong.  I thought maybe we had beaten the odds when she didn’t start losing weight or acting differently (not that we’d really know since she’s our scardey-cat who hides all the time).  She’s still eating, drinking, using her box etc. but she’s been coughing a bit since yesterday (which is one of the things the vet said would happen if the cancer spread to her lungs) and her breathing has been a little laboured (again, she’s a hugely fat cat and I hadn’t thought much about the breathing b/c of the weight that she’s carrying.  Her personality has changed a bit…she isn’t quite as timid as she’s been in the past.  The other day she just lay there and let Jake pet her, something that has only very rarely happened ever; she usually jumps and runs to hide at the sound of his voice.  The vet gave her about 6 months if it was cancerous (which I think we’re pretty sure about at this point) and she’s made it about 4 so far.  I’m praying for those other two months, but not sure we’re going to get them.  She’s spending a lot of time in bed with me cuddled up and I’m treasuring those moments.  She’s my older cat’s baby and I’ve been with her since she was born.  She was the runt of her litter and now she’s one of the fattest cats I’ve ever seen.  I can still remember so well holding her minutes after she was born, watching her ears and eyes open and those first tentative steps.  We haven’t spent a lot of time together as she’s, like I said, quite timid and if anyone else is around she hides.  Whenever anyone is in the bathroom, though, if she can get in, she will.  It’s like she knows if you’re sitting on the toilet, she’s safe asking for petting b/c you won’t be able to jump up and grab her and she’s got the upper hand in a running situation.  I love this cat with all my heart and I’m going to miss her so very, very much!!

Please, please, please, if you have female kittens, get them spayed BEFORE their first heat cycle.  The most recent statistic I read was that 91% of cats who are spayed before then will not develop breast cancer.  That drops to 86% if they are spayed before their 2nd birthday and after that there is no benefit from a breast cancer stand point.  I really wish we had been more diligent with Melly and not waited until she was 4 to get her fixed.  There’s nothing I can do to change it, but I can tell you all to please, please and again, please take my advice here.  I’m going to dig up some pictures of her and post them as soon as I can.  I wish I had more than a few, but she’s never really been the type to sit still and let you snap away.  😦

Camel is THE new fiber….

Quick update:  I just finished spinning up the 4 oz. of camel/merino that I bought at the fiber festival (I really wish I purchased a LOT more of it) and I’m in love with both the fiber itself and the yarn it produced.  The fiber was so fine and so easy to spin and the resulting yarn is soft, fluffy and just plain yummy!!!  I ended up leaving it as singles to get the most yardage out of it.  I got just over 210 yards and plan to make a pair of fingerless mitts for myself.

On the personal front:  Things have been a little bit stressed here at Casa Dwire.  I’m still cutting down the Methadone a little at a time and that makes me feel good (warning: if you ever have back/pain issues, DON’T let your doctor talk you into methadone for pain unless it’s the very last resort…I mean after trying surgery and any/all other options) to be getting back to myself, but the withdrawl is still sucking ass in a big way.  I wanted to get so much more involved in life right after finishing the Zoloft (another one I strongly warn against) but the withdrawl from the Methadone makes that difficult to say the least.  I’m getting there, though.  I have an appointment with Dr. M on Thursday and TJ and I are going to talk to her about my options for making this process easier without making it drag on for months.  I know I can’t go cold turkey, but I want this over, ASAP.  I’m focusing on wanting another baby when it gets tough and I want to give up and I have to admit that since I’ve cut down the dose, my sex drive is up a bit.  I keep reading that it will continue to rise as the methadone gets out of system.  I’m certainly hoping so and I KNOW TJ is praying for it. LOL  See, I still have my sense of humor in this difficult time.  Both knitting and spinning are helping me through this time (spinning especially b/c it doesn’t require as much concentration).  I’m working on the two scarf projects for X-mas gifts and the cross stitch pattern that I’m finishing for Uncle Dave’s family (it was started by Dave’s wife Charlotte, who passed away from cancer last February.  What an absolute honor it was that they asked me to finish it).   I’m also doing more spindle spinning and trying out new fibers on the wheel whenever I can.  All in all, I’m surviving if not quite “living” yet.  I’ll get there, though, I know I will!!!

Sunny California Pt. 2

I’ve been here in sunny, happy Seal Beach for three weeks tomorrow and I’m having a great time!  I miss TJ like crazy, but if it wasn’t for that, this would be a perfect trip and I’d be happy to stay here forever.

Right now I’m sitting in a recliner with the laptop on my lap and the big screen TV in front of me.  It’s 80 degrees and sunny and absolutely gorgeous.  I’m sitting here instead of playing outside with Little Man b/c my feet and ankles have been really badly swollen for the last three or four days.  I’ve been trying to ignore it and just go on, but they have been getting worse and worse and today it hurts to even walk.  Not sure what the cause is:  blood pressure (but I don’t have the headaches that have typically gone with my b.p. problems in the past), sodium issues (but I haven’t been eating or drinking anything different from back home), and my favorite, pregnancy.  That would be a real blast.  I’ve had other “symptoms” of impending mommy-hood as well:  heartburn, changes in the way the areola look as well as my nipples (they’re darker and they’re bigger around, my fatigue has been crazy (I’m always crazy, but it comes and goes whenever it feels like it).  I know the odds are so small that I’m pregnant, and I also know that I always think that I’m pregnant as soon as there is one little symptom that “might” mean pregnancy, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up here.  It would be wonderful, though, and a great birthday gift to my mother to have another baby.  I guess we’ll see in a few weeks; it’s too soon to do a test – still a few weeks to go until I’d be around 6 weeks, so I’ll just keep waiting and hoping.  🙂  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

As I’m sitting here I’m watching my mom and Little Man playing outside.  They’re blowing bubbles together and it’s the most heartwarming thing I’ve ever seen.  He’s really taken to her and she’s so in love with him.  Just watching them together makes my heart swell with pride and joy.  It’s like she’s 20 years younger when she’s with him.  I can’t remember the last time I saw her happy like this and I love it!!!

****ETA****Didn’t finish writing until now; I was called outside by Little Man to participate in the bubble blowing and leaf finding and said to hell with my legs and went for it wtih him.  Bad idea, for the most part.  Lots more swelling and a little more pain as well.  I’ll be okay, though 🙂