Who knew. Secondary infertility has saved my life!! Sounds crazy, right? It’s true, though. In my last post I talked a little about the meds I’m taking, but more about the side effects etc. So here’s the deal with the meds: Dr. Hamilton (my favorite doctor in the world currently) put me on a cocktail of 100 mg of Clomid CD 3-7, 3 mg Estradiol (which is estrogen) every 12 hours CD 8-12 and finally Prochieve gel (which is progesterone) daily from CD 17 until there is a negative home pregnancy test on CD 27 or for the first 10-12 weeks of the pregnancy. (CD means cycle day, btw). Since I haven’t been ovulating with any regularity at all for the last 5 years (since Jake was born), my body hasn’t produced any progesterone of its own in most of that time and my estrogen has also been extremely low. Now I knew that conception would be impossible without those hormones, but what I didn’t know was that those little devils effect a lot more that goes on in your life/brain than just reproductive things. I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on television, and I don’t know the whats, whys or hows of it all, but balancing these hormones this past month in an attempt to knock me up has changed my life irrevocably!
People that have met me since Jake was born don’t really know the “real” me, at least not the me I used to be when my body worked the way it was supposed to. Before Jake was born I was a happy go lucky kind of gal, one who cared what she looked like when she left the house, always wore makeup (unless it was hellishly hot outside and it would just slide off – like today), couldn’t sit at home doing nothing without feeling like she was going crazy, was exceptionally social and happy. The Shannon people who have known me for 5 years or less that people have known has been slovenly about her appearance much of the time, has never worn makeup – even to things like weddings, has constantly made plans (b/c I genuinely wanted to do things with people that I like) but then cancelled them at the last minute b/c the thought of actually leaving the house and doing something wasn’t just distasteful to her, but was honestly frightening. This Shannon has been afraid of everything all this time. I used to spend 6-8 hours a night driving around with my best friend Deniece when we were teenagers, early twenties. I LOVED being in the car, being on the go. Now I’ve been terrified of being in the car for any length of time and while I was able to control it to the degree that I could sit in the passenger seat with TJ driving or let friends pick me up (even that was rare, though, and there were only a few people who’s cars I would get into: Shannon’s, my brother in law’s…OMG those are the only two I can think of…wait, I would let Andrea drive my car with me in it. I was not, however, able to get myself to drive the car anywhere other than to McDonald’s up the road or maybe the gas station at the corner for a pop, and NEVER with Jake in the car. It was a full blown phobia, it seems.
A few years ago, I met Spinsanity Shannon and joined a few knitting groups. I thought that would be the beginning of getting better. I had met a great group of women who were interested in the same things I was. I learned to spin, yay, went to meetings and was social for the first time in years. Even that didn’t last for me, though. ‘The fears, the laziness, the apathy took back over and it’s been almost a year now since I’ve even seen any of them. My loss, not theirs. I keep planning to go back and I always let the fear of not being wanted, not being accepted get in the way. This is one example of the way that I’ve been self-destructive over the last years. I feel like I’ve digressed a bit, though, b/c I had to get up to tend to Jacob for awhile. Back to my point…
Since I’ve taken the meds, I’ve found myself with a completely different state of mind. Where I used to spend 80% of my time in bed either knitting and watching TV or playing on the computer etc. I’m all about getting my house in order now. The upstairs is almost done: our bedroom is completely organized, clean and gorgeous, the office is about 95% there and we have Jake’s room yet to do. Our upstairs bathroom still needs a lot of work but mostly stuff TJ has to do, so I can’t do it. I’m doing laundry 3-4 times a week – how the hell do we accumulate so much laundry, seriously?!?! The biggest changes, though, have been in my fears and my almost pathalogical need to be by myself over the last years. The last two “weekends” (our weekends are usually Monday night through Thursday afternoon b/c TJ works the early morning shift at Duncan Friday through Monday) we’ve gone up North (I swore I would never go there again after we moved back down here) and I’ve had a GREAT time. I rode the quads with and without Jake (was TERRIFIED of them before, wouldn’t even sit on one when it was off) and I had a blast. Going fast rocks!! I went to the beach (pictures in next post about Jake’s mini-birthday party) and played in the surf and sand (not like me at all, I’ve had a lake/ocean/pond/anything with living aquatic creatures phobia for as long as I can remember) with Jake and loved it. I even learned how to mud and sand a wall to prepare it for painting. The big change here is that I enjoyed all of these things and didn’t long to be at home, in my bed watching TV. My DVR is suffering greatly from this change in me. Where it used to always be almost empty b/c I watched TV constantly, now it’s almost full b/c I spend so little time with the boob tube. My knitting has suffered (oh, I just got the Zephyr Options needles from Knit Picks, btw, but haven’t used them yet. Pretty.) b/c I don’t spend much time sitting around. Today has been a lazy do nothing day just like yesterday b/c it’s just too hot to move around w/out a/c in the house. As soon as it’s cool again, though, I’ll be back to chores and getting this house in order. I tried to work on the living room a bit yesterday but was sweating and dizzy before too long. It’ll get done, though.
So, long story short, as TJ says, it’s not like my wife has changed, it’s like being married to a completely different person!! I’m glad when he says that and I like the person I’m becoming. Still have a long way to go, and I’m still a little nervous re: the social aspects and being accepted by the people I want to be with most after blowing them all off for so long, but I guess even that is a part of growing and changing. I’m going to have to face it eventually; I’m working on my courage. Oh yeah, one other HUGE change. I’m driving again. All over the place and LOVING it more than I have words for. TJ is now regularly getting into the passenger seat and having me drive him around…the freedom is exhilerating. It’s been a real pain to try to schedule everything around when he could drive me or when someone else can. I’m not usually one to toot my own horn, but GO ME!!! LOL