Some days not even the knitting soothes me. My life is such a confusing mess right now. I’m in the middle of a divorce that I didn’t/ still don’t really want. I’m struggling with child custody issues and my depression. The divorce is not something I can change. So I tried moving on (can we all say rebound is a BAD thing). B and I had a great 6 month thing and then have been best friends ever since. A weird kind of friends…I guess they call it friends with benefits. We live together, have meals together, sleep in the same bed periodically etc. It hasn’t been perfect, but it’s a situation that works (ed) for both of us. Now B is ready to start dating and it’s screwingl with my head a little. I knew that it wasn’t going to last this way forever but delusion and comfort are a bitch. So now he’s seeing this new girl – using my car of all things (I think I’m way too easy when it comes to giving him use of my things sometimes) tomorrow and spending the night. I’m a little jealous, if I’m honest, but my concern lie a lot more toward losing my roommate, my best friend and the small amount of stability I’ve been able to give my kids since my marriage fell apart. ETA: So it’s 2 hours since I started this and can I just say…PITY PARTY anyone?!?!?! I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, kick my own ass and make life what I want it to be on my terms. Next post will be pretties….spindle, yarn and fiber porn for ya’ll…LOL
I’ve suffered with bouts of depression my whole adult life and I think I can honestly say this is the longest ’bout I’ve had to struggle through in a long, long time!!! I don’t have the motivation to get myself out of bed, to take care of myself, TJ or the kids. It’s a struggle to just sit up and type this. We’ve all been really sick for the last 10 days or so and that doesn’t help, but I can tell the difference between what’s going on inside me and just being weak from being sick (I’m still that as well). I’ve gotten to a point where I just don’t know what to do anymore. T doesn’t get it. He loves me and he tries, but I really don’t think he understands how deep and how debilitating this depression has become. I’ve told him a few times recently that I think I want to check myself into a hospital and try to get some help evening things out making me better, but he scoffs at that and says I don’t need it and our insurance won’t pay for it. I don’t care about insurance! I want to have a life, a normal life. I want to make plans and have friends and feel like I’m a part if of the world around me. I haven’t set foot outside this house in well over 2 1/2 weeks now and I don’t know if I could if I wanted to at this point. Everything feels like it’s falling apart around me. I feel like the kids and T would be better off without me in the picture. Don’t get all worried, I don’t mean out of the picture like dead, I mean if I just packed up and left. I can’t imagine life without them, but at what point do I start to think about what’s best for them. J worries about me all the time and wants to take care of me and C is still too young to have a clue what’s going on. But they deserve a house that’s always clean and organized and a mother who is present in their lives and who doesn’t feel like she’s the 1000 lb. weight around everybody’s neck. I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore.
On Tuesday I will be 20 weeks pregnant!! I can’t believe that I am already half-way there; a little more I guess since they will do the c-section at either 38 or 39 weeks. Pregnancy is finally the wonderful experience that I remember it being with Jacob. This baby kicks several times a day (something I didn’t even feel the beginnings of with Jake until almost 25 weeks) and has been noticeably moving for several weeks now. I’ve actually felt the kicks on the outside once or twice, but TJ is never handy at the moment that Belly Bean (our nickname for this little one) decides to use all the power he/she has. I hate writing he/she, but hopefully after Tuesday’s ultra-sound I won’t have to anymore…fingers crossed. The big u/s is Tuesday (as I just said) and if the baby is cooperative we’ll know the sex. How exciting. Even more exciting, though, is that we’ll know that everything is okay with this baby and all the parts are working the way they should etc. When I first found out I was pregnant it seemed like everything was moving so slowly and that the end would never get here. I think I’m finally learning to slow down and just enjoy the process and being pregnant. I don’t want this to go by too quickly as it’s probably the last time I’m going to experience this.
I say probably b/c TJ and I went into this pregnancy positive that it was going to be our last, but the farther I get into this one, the more I think it wouldn’t be so bad to have just one more. Of course age becomes a factor. I’m going to be a few weeks away from my 36th birthday when this baby arrives and I would want to wait at least a year and half or two years before having another baby. It took quite awhile for us to get pregnant with this one and I have no reason to think that all the hormonal problems that I had getting pregnant with B.B. (belly bean) will just go away after the birth. So that would mean more rounds of Clomid (I don’t know if anyone in this family could handle my mood swings on that) more hoping, more disappointment initially and the possibility of it taking a year or more to happen. I have to ask myself if I want to be chasing a five-year old around when I’m in my early 40’s and what would it mean to the possibility of TJ being able to retire in his mid-50’s. I know all of these concerns are in the future, but they loom large in my mind for some reason.
This pregnancy has been great for my mental state!!! Just like when I was pregnant with Jacob, it seems that all the depression, isolation and myriad other problems that plague me during the rest of my life just go away. I’ve been leaving the house almost daily to go on outings, which anyone who knows me well knows is an extreme rarity for me. I’ve even started wearing make-up on an almost daily basis again. During the months and years of depression that followed Jacob’s birth and my back injury I had some good months where I made new friends and did social things, but of course I always crawled back into my proverbial hole and pulled away after a while. I don’t know why I did/do those things, but I do. Right now, though, the urge to get out there and mingle with the rest of the world is strong. I even thought about going to a knit night at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago, but wasn’t sure if the reception would be chilly and I would feel even more isolated than I did when I was self-isolating. Long story short, I chickened out! Not proud of that. March is another month, though, and I will try again. What’s the worst thing that could happen, honestly? No one would talk to me, they would tell me they didn’t want me there? I doubt that any of those ladies would be that cruel. So even though I’m not expanding my horizons at the moment, I am really enjoying spending a lot more time with TJ outside the house. We’re getting together with another mother from Jake’s school next week and taking Jake, his best friend and said best friend’s sister to the circus. There’s a scary thought: Clowns. Hate ’em! We’ve also been making family outings to the mall for Jake to play video games at the arcade when he has a good (green) week at school. I’ll admit that TJ and I play as much as we watch. It’s a fun family outing for all of us.
We’re also planning one last “family of three” trip over spring break for Jake. We’re going to take the train to Chicago and spend a few days going to the aquarium and the children’s museum. I think he’d be content to just have the train ride, but the rest will be a nice break and get away from home for all of us. I’ve been trying to do things with Jake that are fun for him as the time for the birth gets closer. He hasn’t shown much in the way of jealousy thus far, in fact he’s been really excited about this baby coming, but I think that once the reality of the situation sets in and the baby isn’t just a concept in my belly, he’s not going to be thrilled with it. He’ll love being a big brother, I think, but the loss of all the attention may be hard for him to deal with. We’ve been talking to him about it regularly and trying to reassure him that there is more than enough love in our hearts for him and this baby. Time will tell how he does with it, I guess…
Corky’s been gone 2 weeks tomorrow. The first night and the following day were pretty bad, then Thanksgiving and traveling were upon us and that took my mind off of things. Coming home gave me a twinge of sadness, but I shook it off. Corky was really sick and he was weak enough that he couldn’t even tell us if he was in pain or not. We made the best, nay the ONLY decision that a caring, loving family could make for their pet. I was okay with the decision and I was getting over the loss. So I thought…
I wasn’t feeling like being social at all the night after Corky left us, but my BIL was visiting from up north. So we moved the cable box up to the TV in our bedroom (which usually isn’t even plugged in) and holed up for the night to wallow in my grief and self pity. The problem is that it’s two weeks later and the TV and cable box are still up here. Most of Jake’s toys have also made their way up here. More and more lately, I don’t want to leave the room; I don’t want to face the memories of Corky that are all over the living room and kitchen. I don’t want to face my grief. The more I’m up here, though, the worse I feel. I don’t notice it all that often, I just see it as tired, and not feeling well, but when I look at it objectively, usually in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, I see it for what it is: a downward spiral of depression and self-pity. It’s not healthy. It’s not good for me or for Jake or for anyone else for that matter. The housework isn’t up to par, the cat box is dirty, TJ is sleeping on the couch b/c I don’t sleep and even Jake is starting to act out.
It’s time to shake the cobwebs out of my head and do something about this. I could be complacent about this for months, letting the time slip by without my even really noticing it, but the one who really suffers here is Jacob and I have to be more concerned about his well being than I am weak and depressed. I have to fight this for his sake as well as for mine.
I haven’t left the house in days. Not good. It’s reminiscent of the last months in Lake City. I even missed knitting last week, which isn’t like me at all. Sure, I had a decent reason, TJ had work to get done after being at work so much all week. It would have been a MAJOR inconvenience for him to take Jake for the few hours I would have been gone, but he would have done it and without complaint. I know that. It really was just a lot easier to stay in bed, watch movies with Jacob and not bother with the world. The thing is that I know I would have had a great time! Ilove the Zombie Prom Daters and being one is one of my favorite things. I always have a great time and laugh a ton when I’m with Spinsanity. I just didn’t have it in me. It was totally self destructive, though. This week I’m going not only to ZPDK but to Guild as well and to Spinsanity’s house for some knitting/spinning before guild. I’m jumping back into life even if feels like it takes everything I have to do it. The TV is also coming down tomorrow no matter what. If we want to watch TV, it will be in the living room like normal people. I’m coming back, baby, just wait and see.