I’ve suffered with bouts of depression my whole adult life and I think I can honestly say this is the longest ’bout I’ve had to struggle through in a long, long time!!! I don’t have the motivation to get myself out of bed, to take care of myself, TJ or the kids. It’s a struggle to just sit up and type this. We’ve all been really sick for the last 10 days or so and that doesn’t help, but I can tell the difference between what’s going on inside me and just being weak from being sick (I’m still that as well). I’ve gotten to a point where I just don’t know what to do anymore. T doesn’t get it. He loves me and he tries, but I really don’t think he understands how deep and how debilitating this depression has become. I’ve told him a few times recently that I think I want to check myself into a hospital and try to get some help evening things out making me better, but he scoffs at that and says I don’t need it and our insurance won’t pay for it. I don’t care about insurance! I want to have a life, a normal life. I want to make plans and have friends and feel like I’m a part if of the world around me. I haven’t set foot outside this house in well over 2 1/2 weeks now and I don’t know if I could if I wanted to at this point. Everything feels like it’s falling apart around me. I feel like the kids and T would be better off without me in the picture. Don’t get all worried, I don’t mean out of the picture like dead, I mean if I just packed up and left. I can’t imagine life without them, but at what point do I start to think about what’s best for them. J worries about me all the time and wants to take care of me and C is still too young to have a clue what’s going on. But they deserve a house that’s always clean and organized and a mother who is present in their lives and who doesn’t feel like she’s the 1000 lb. weight around everybody’s neck. I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore.
Isn’t that what kids say when things aren’t going their way? I’ve fallen deeply into the feeling sorry for myself category. Feels like nothing is quite right anywhere. Marriage isn’t the love fest it should be; kids are good but they can’t be everything. I miss my old friends; the people who used to mean the most to me when I was younger (even if I should have just let it go by now) so much that it hurts sometimes. You know who you all are I imagine. D has been on my mind constantly; we were supposed to be sisters for the rest of our lives bc that’s what she was; so much more than my friend but my family. It’s all gone now it seems. Just strangers passing occasionally on Facebook. A comment here, a conversation there. Hate that more than I can say. I have a wonderful friend now who I can easily call my best friend – have had her for almost ten years now – but she lives in Texas so it isn’t the same. We talk all the time and I couldn’t be closer to her if she lived in this house but I wish to god I could spend time with her for real.
Getting clean and sober was supposed to make my life so much better. I’m still waiting for that. Of its better from the standpoint of being a better mother and a better person in general but I still have no strength or drive. I want the life I used to have back. I want to anticipate T coming home. I want to dress up for him and light the candles and seduce him. I want our lust back!!! Where did it go and how do I fix it?