I wanna go hone

Isn’t that what kids say when things aren’t going their way? I’ve fallen deeply into the feeling sorry for myself category. Feels like nothing is quite right anywhere. Marriage isn’t the love fest it should be; kids are good but they can’t be everything. I miss my old friends; the people who used to mean the most to me when I was younger (even if I should have just let it go by now) so much that it hurts sometimes. You know who you all are I imagine. D has been on my mind constantly; we were supposed to be sisters for the rest of our lives bc that’s what she was; so much more than my friend but my family. It’s all gone now it seems. Just strangers passing occasionally on Facebook. A comment here, a conversation there. Hate that more than I can say. I have a wonderful friend now who I can easily call my best friend – have had her for almost ten years now – but she lives in Texas so it isn’t the same. We talk all the time and I couldn’t be closer to her if she lived in this house but I wish to god I could spend time with her for real.
Getting clean and sober was supposed to make my life so much better. I’m still waiting for that. Of its better from the standpoint of being a better mother and a better person in general but I still have no strength or drive. I want the life I used to have back. I want to anticipate T coming home. I want to dress up for him and light the candles and seduce him. I want our lust back!!! Where did it go and how do I fix it?

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Interesting little quiz

Which Alice in Wonderland character are YOU?
created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as Walrus

You scored the Walrus! You like to look after yourself and indulgence is your favourite vice. You use charm and manipulation to get what you want and don’t mind taking someone else’s share… if they aren’t watching of course.

Walrus

100%

The White Rabbit

92%

Carpenter

83%

Queen of Hearts

83%

A Playing Card

83%

Oyster

75%

Caterpillar

75%

Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum

75%

Cheshire Cat

67%

Mad Hatter

58%

The Dormouse

58%

Alice

58%

March Hare

50%

Flamingo

42%

Harmony and a Little Bit of Heaven

Quite a different tone to this post as from the post yesterday, huh? What a difference a day makes. I’m still not feeling 100%, but a good friend reaching out to me this morning and a GREAT mail day really helped to lift my spirits. I didn’t get much sleep last night. Around 4:30 this morning I made a proactive move and took the cable box back down to the living room, then I spent awhile reading The Twisted Sisters Sock Workbook and getting my spinning urge back in gear. I stopped myself from getting up then and there to spin a bit (I would have been up all night if I had) and went to bed listening to a knitting podcast. I can’t remember the topic, but it was a KnitPicks cast. I fell asleep just a few minutes in, I think; I don’t remember anything from it. I always fall asleep a few minutes after starting, but I need the background noise to sleep and I don’t want to mess around with trying to find my place in an audio book over and over again.

Jake woke up later than usual, almost 10 am and though I only got 5 1/2 hours or so of sleep, I felt more rested than I had in awhile. Circumstances, meaning my cats and a large glass of water left on the end table next to the couch, forced me to bring the cable box back upstairs this morning. That’s teach me to be proactive…lol. Got everything moved back up and got food, drink, etc. for the little man and myself and it was time for his morning viewing of Monster House. That movie is going to drive me crazy at some point soon. While he was watching I got out the old “puger”, as he calls it, and read blogs, checked email etc. Found the email from Shannon and gave her a call. Talked for awhile, made plans for later this week and just generally made me feel like someone, other than TJ of course, cares. It’s amazing how little it takes to lift my spirits. Thanks Shannon. I can’t tell you how much that short phone call, and the laughter helped me. You rock!!

The rest of the day was pretty ordinary, which is a good thing when most of my days lately have seemed so dark and long. I got out the fiber I got from Greg and Amy’s farm and spun for a little while. After reading the Twisted Sisters book, I decided to give spinning from the fold another try. I had tried it briefly with the silk I spun (poorly) a while back, but it didn’t work so well. This time, though, it clicked and I found drafting to be a lot easier that way than the regular way of drafting. I’m still not clicking on the regular drafting without the massive pre-drafting, but I’ll get there. I’m NOT giving up. With lots of pre-drafting I can spin a fairly consistent single; they still tend to be way over-spun. I have much work to do on that. Any hints on how to not over spin so much would be much appreciated.

I realized, after TJ got home from work, that it had been a few days since anyone had gotten the mail. So I braved the icy porch and the driveway and when I got to the mailbox it was JAM PACKED full. There were packages galore. I got a skein of 100% cashmere

cahmere-yarn.jpg

Isn’t it pretty? It’s called “Oh Holy Night” and it’s a combination of burgundy and black; not sure if you can tell from the picture or not.

Next is the only fiber I bought. I had planned to stay away from fiber since I went on a binge not that long ago, but I really enjoy spinning the Kareoke (did I spell that wrong?) fiber and I couldn’t resist the colorway. It’s called Mermaid and it’s so shimmery and soft. YUMMY!

Mermaid Fiber

There was also some Cascade 220 in Cotton Candy Pink and in black, but they are pretty plain and don’t merit the time for uploading and then playing with size…lol.

The part where a little bit of heaven comes in is here:

A little bit of heaven

This is the first time I’ve seen Malabrigo in person, none-the-less touched it.  OMG.  This is the softest, most luscious wool I’ve ever felt.  The only thing that comes close is wool that I got from an Ebay store called South Wool.  I love their stuff, too.  So affordable.  The only problem with the Malabrigo is that I only have 3 skeins of it (625 yds) which doesn’t seem like enough to make any sort of top or sweater.  I don’t want to make a scarf or gloves or something like that.  I want a sweater.  I’m going to have to buy more.  Of course then the dye lot won’t match, so I’m going to have to buy a whole lot more of whatever I choose.  The horror…:)

Just when it seemed things couldn’t get any better.  There was a ring of the bell at 7 pm and it was a delivery from Knit Picks.  My Harmony needle set was sitting there waiting for me.  I’m so excited.  I’ve been wanting these forever and now I have them.  I want to start knitting with them immediately, but I have my last X-mas gift and my Circular Shrug on the needles already so I can’t start just yet.  Bummer.  All in all, though, a much better day than yesterday!!!

He’s gone…

Just a quick post to let everyone know that as of about 5 pm. Corky is no more.  The vet found a baseball sized tumor/growth in his abdomen which explained why he wasn’t eating much or able to poop.  He also had a serious heart murmer.   She was very kind and offered us choices, but in the end, she told us he was dying and maybe had a week left.  He was so weak and so unable to do anything that he loved doing, like eating everybody else’s food, that we made the decision that was most difficult for us, but best for him.  We couldn’t stay for the whole thing, I just didn’t have it in me, so they gave him a shot that basically anesthetized him and we stayed with him until he was sleepy and dopey and generally very calm.  We talked to him gently and gave him kisses and then quietly walked out the door for the last time.  We bawled like babies in those last moments and though I’m feeling very calm now, not at all hysterical like I thought I would, I also feel this huge empty place inside.

Corky Dwire

RIP

Pay it Forward…

“I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this PIF exchange. I don’t know what that gift will be yet and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days, that is my promise! The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog.”

I saw this on Stitchy Fingers and thought, what a great idea this is.  So I’m pledging that I will make something in the next 365 days for the first three people that comment asking for it.  The only caveat is that each of these three people have to make the same pledge on their blogs.

Three years Old Today – A Letter To My Little Man

Jacob,

Today is your third birthday. You are up north with Uncle John and Aunt Kate right now; you’ve been away from us for almost a week now, while Mommy was sick and now that I’m feeling better, I just want to get to you and hold you. I miss you so much; your little voice telling me you love me and your little hand rubbing my hair and my arm. I miss watching you sleep and listening to you snore and talk to me in your sleep.

You came into our lives 2 weeks early b/c your head was so big. It still is big, but it’s gorgeous. The first time I saw you, I was blown away by how gorgeous you were, even as a newborn all scrunched, angry (and boy were you angry about all the noise and light and cold). The meds that were used to keep my numb while they were delivering you seemed to be affecting my hands and arms and when I tried to touch your face, it was more like a clubbing motion. It’s one of those moments that makes me want to both laugh and cry at the same time. I felt so bad, but I needed to touch you. The first time I got to actually hold you changed my life completely and forever. You became a part of me in a way that I didn’t even know was possible.

Taking you home from the hospital was a great day. My biggest memory of that day, oddly enough, is stopping on the way home from the hospital at the toy store so that we could pick up a swing for you – one of the best things I’ve ever bought- man you loved that swing!! The first few weeks at home were great. We were such a happily little insulated family. Your Nana stayed with us for your first 6 weeks and that was stressful but wonderful.

When you were six weeks old, I hurt myself and it changed our lives for a long time. I couldn’t do anything really for almost a year and a half, so we had to have a nanny to take care of you. I’m afraid that you thought she was your mother when you were really small. That broke my heart and I didn’t react well, I’m afraid. I kind of got locked inside myself and gave in to the depression for too long. Thank God for your Daddy and for your Nan; they were really there for you when I couldn’t be. Those are dark days for me; days that I don’t like to think about b/c I missed so much time that I can never get back. I don’t have those baby memories that most mothers have and that breaks my heart every day and probably always will. Our two years in Lake City, while not great for me, were good times for you. You spent so much time running and playing and doing things that most boys don’t get to do. Your favorite things were tractors, snow mobiles and ATVs before you were even a year old. Power tools and extreme riding equipment has always been a part of your life and as much as it scares me, I’m afraid it always will be. You learned to walk, talk, eat, laugh and almost every other basic skill in that little cabin on 20 acres. It wasn’t the right place for us, though, Mommy just couldn’t seem to get past all the moments that were sad for me.

So we picked up and moved back to Kalamazoo, where Daddy works. This is where you were conceived, born and spent the first 3 months of your life. This is the place where I think I’ve spent the happiest years of my life. I miss the little apartment where we conceived you and brought you home. Our new house, though, is great for you. You love that we have stairs now and you can run up and down them all the time. You love having a backyard with a garden to “help” Daddy with and your sandpile and buckets that you need to “help” water the garden or the lawn. 🙂

Your personality is definitely starting to develop more and more. You show empathy and such a sweet sense of not wanting anyone to be upset. “Don’t swy (cry) Mommy” you say any time I am upset or even when I yawn a few times and have tears running down my face. Anytime anyone gets hurt you want to kiss the boo boo for them. When I’m sick you come up to me and pat my shoulder, telling me, “It be okay Mommy”. Last week, Daddy was sick and every time he coughed, you ran to the steps and yelled “Are you okay,” down to him. You have a truly good soul and I’m so proud of that in you.

You’ve also got a mind of your own. You want what you want when you want and how you want. You mean now! Patience is something we’re still working on and I know you’ll get it. Just not yet. Which is fine. How long do we really have in life when we are young enough to be able to be an almost completely selfish creature without it being a bad thing? Not many. Those days are slowly coming to an end for you, so I’m trying not to rush you. There are times, though, when that mind of your own makes me want to tear my hair out. Then I remind myself that that mind of your own will serve you well later in life. You are not going to be a follower. There is so much leader in you.

You’ve been asking about a baby sister or brother on occasion lately when we see a baby. That’s something I’m really hoping to give you soon.

This month your Unkie’s cat had kittens. Man, you love those things. I was really worried that you weren’t going to be able to be understand how to be gentle with them, especially with the way you’re so playful with the older animals. You really blew me away, though.  You are so sweet and gentle with the baby kittens.  You kiss them gently and tell them you love them; you pet them like they are made of glass.  I’d really like to be able to give you one of those kittens for your very own, but now isn’t a good time for a new animal.  We will get you a kitten or a puppy when you’re just a little bit older.

We’re planning a special Mommy, Daddy,  Jacob only party when we’re back here on Thursday.  I’m going to order a cake and get gifts and hats, bubbles, balloons…all your favorite things and we’re going to have a great time!!

I love you so much, Jacob.  You are truly a gift to your father and me.  My wish for you is that you keep growing and getting stronger and smarter and that you stay just as sweet, thoughtful and loving as you are right now.  My promise to you is that I’ll give you the environment where you can flourish and where you are free to be whoever you turn out to be.