I figure Week number change which is Tuesday (and always an appt. day) and then Week number with Thursday’s Appt. are the best ways to name these posts and keep everyone up to date re: the progress of this never-ending ordeal. It’s such an irony, though, b/c the end result is SO very worth it.
So had three appointments yesterday: Dr. A is my perinatologist and he deals with the G.D. aspect of things. He was happier with my blood sugar numbers. They are still too high, but now that I’m eating at the times he wants me to eat at (most of the time) they aren’t all over the place anymore. So we upped my insulin doses and added an extra dose at lunchtime; I’m up to 4 blood sugar checks and 4 insulin pokes a day now. When I was first told I was going to have to take insulin shots, and in my belly no less, I was really freaked out. I thought there was no way in the world I was going to be able to stick a needle in my belly and that I was going to have to get TJ to do it for me. In the end, though, they made me do it at the doctor’s office the first time and I discovered not only wasn’t it as bad as I thought, but you almost can’t even feel it. So other than the inconvenience of having to eat at specific times and often not getting to eat with my family b/c they are eating way too early or too late for my schedule, the insulin thing isn’t too bad at all. When I told TJ that I didn’t mind giving myself the shots and that there was actually some twisted part of me that kind of enjoyed it, he looked at me like I was the looniest loon of them all then shrugged and said that I’ve always been kind of morbid anyway…LOL
Appointment #2 was the non-stress test. That one was 4 hours after appt. #1 so was kind of putzed around the hospital; went for lunch in the yummy cafeteria there (I honestly and truly could eat there every day. The food is amazing!) We had lunch and I was actually good; rather than going for the burger and fries that I really wanted I had veggie soup and a salad. It was good and filling and the carb. count was low. After eating, though, I got really sharp pains in my upper abdomen. The kind that bring tears to your eyes. It didn’t seem to have anything to do with the pregnancy, just belly pain. UGH. I ended up laying down on the bench seat in the cafeteria while TJ worked on his presentation for the PTO thing at Jake’s school last night. Felt better when I woke up (yes, I actually dozed off for a half hour or so – I’m 8 months pregnant what do you want from me…LOL) but the pain was still there just less intense. Off to the NST. They settled me into the recliner and put my feet up, gave me the buzzer to mark when Connor kicked and left us alone for a half hour. Connor was moving great; it seemed like I was constantly pushing the button to mark motion. Unfortunately yet again he didn’t react the way they wanted him to and we had another failed non-stress. This is not a good thing.
On to appt. #3. Dr.s G and H are the only two doctors that I’m seeing in the practice now. Linda, the midwife I was originally seeing; she handled my pregnancy with Jacob, told me that she felt that with the problems I was having she was out of her depth at this point and she would feel better if I stuck with the doctors. I appreciated the honesty but will miss seeing her every few weeks. I really like her so much!! So yesterday was Dr. G. He told me there was protein in my urine again, my B.P. was up (144/88) and that they baby failed the NST. I hit the bad prenatal appt. trifecta ladies and gentlemen. For a brief moment I had pictures of a hospital room with my name on it, but nope. We had another Biophysical ultrasound and everything looked pretty good there. They look for 4 things and score 2 pts. for each thing that he does or that is good. Connor did everything they wanted to see except for the practice breathing (which he did do earlier in the week at the u/s). The ultrasound tech said that it wasn’t completely uncommon in babies at 32 weeks not to see it, that they do the breathing thing more and more often the farther along in gestation they are. Dr. G didn’t seem concerned since that was the only thing he didn’t do. His movements were good, plenty of amniotic fluid, and he had good muscle tone so I guess I’m happy. Two more appts. with O.B. next week, two more NSTs and another appt. with Dr. A re: possibly upping insulin again depending on how my numbers look for the rest of this week. It’s become a habit for us now that on Tuesdays and Thursdays we will accomplish nothing. Not that I’m getting a ton done on the moderated bed rest anyway.
The doctors all seem to be pretty confident that the baby is doing well and that I’m okay. So why am I freaking out constantly? The five days between my Thurs. and Tues. appts. seem so long to me. I worry almost constantly that something will happen to the baby in that time. It’s kind of torturous, but I know I’m doing it to myself. Being in bed most of the time gives me WAY too much time to think, I think. Just hearing the wrong thing can send me into a tail spin of paranoia that’s so hard to get out of. We heard the song “Don’t Take the Girl” in the car the other day and it runs through my head constantly now. That’s not so uncommon with me and songs but with this one, I’m now terrified that something is going to happen to me during the c-section. I’m terrified of the surgery (and I was so blase about choosing it in the beginning of this pregnancy) and what could happen. The thought of leaving Jake behind and motherless breaks my heart over and over again every day. I realize I’d be leaving Connor motherless too, but he wouldn’t know the difference like Jake would. I feel like Jake has gotten the raw end of the deal over and over again in the pregnancy and he’s been so wonderful about my time in bed and all the sleep I’m getting b/c of the B.P. meds and just being this pregnant (I swear I sleep 15 hours a day sometimes or else I can’t fall asleep at night to save my life and then I can’t keep my eyes open during the day). He has been so understanding and so supportive and he’s only 5. I know that he doesn’t really understand what’s going on and he hears bits and pieces of conversations between me and my mother or TJ and his mom or dad. This has to be so much more frightening for him than he lets on. Another reason to feel guilty. I feel like I’m failing Jake in a million little ways lately; that he deserves so much better than I’ve given him. He already spent the first year and a half of his life being deprived of a real mother b/c of my back problems and the constant high doses of narcotic pain killers I was on and it’s taken a long time for him to feel secure in his place in this family and I feel like I’m depriving him all over again. The kid is my world and I don’t feel like I deserve him some days. I’ve decided that I’m breaking bed rest this weekend and taking him to the library. I figure other than the drive there I’m not really doing anything wrong. I’ll wear my comfy clothes and all I’ll really do is sit in the chairs by the window and read or knit while I watch him play. Maybe I’ll even read him a book or two – gasp. Really not that different from being at home on the couch with him, IMO. Of course it will all be dependant on my B.P. being good (It was really good this morning: 125/60) and my lack of contractions or other obvious problems. I think it will be good for him to have a day out with Mommy.
Have a great weekend everyone. Will try to be back later today or tomorrow with an actual fiber related post. I’ve been both knitting and spinning this week – big shocker, I know…:)