Depression Sucks

I’ve suffered with bouts of depression my whole adult life and I think I can honestly say this is the longest ’bout I’ve had to struggle through in a long, long time!!! I don’t have the motivation to get myself out of bed, to take care of myself, TJ or the kids. It’s a struggle to just sit up and type this. We’ve all been really sick for the last 10 days or so and that doesn’t help, but I can tell the difference between what’s going on inside me and just being weak from being sick (I’m still that as well). I’ve gotten to a point where I just don’t know what to do anymore. T doesn’t get it. He loves me and he tries, but I really don’t think he understands how deep and how debilitating this depression has become. I’ve told him a few times recently that I think I want to check myself into a hospital and try to get some help evening things out making me better, but he scoffs at that and says I don’t need it and our insurance won’t pay for it. I don’t care about insurance! I want to have a life, a normal life. I want to make plans and have friends and feel like I’m a part if of the world around me. I haven’t set foot outside this house in well over 2 1/2 weeks now and I don’t know if I could if I wanted to at this point. Everything feels like it’s falling apart around me. I feel like the kids and T would be better off without me in the picture. Don’t get all worried, I don’t mean out of the picture like dead, I mean if I just packed up and left. I can’t imagine life without them, but at what point do I start to think about what’s best for them. J worries about me all the time and wants to take care of me and C is still too young to have a clue what’s going on. But they deserve a house that’s always clean and organized and a mother who is present in their lives and who doesn’t feel like she’s the 1000 lb. weight around everybody’s neck. I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore.

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