I wanna go hone

Isn’t that what kids say when things aren’t going their way? I’ve fallen deeply into the feeling sorry for myself category. Feels like nothing is quite right anywhere. Marriage isn’t the love fest it should be; kids are good but they can’t be everything. I miss my old friends; the people who used to mean the most to me when I was younger (even if I should have just let it go by now) so much that it hurts sometimes. You know who you all are I imagine. D has been on my mind constantly; we were supposed to be sisters for the rest of our lives bc that’s what she was; so much more than my friend but my family. It’s all gone now it seems. Just strangers passing occasionally on Facebook. A comment here, a conversation there. Hate that more than I can say. I have a wonderful friend now who I can easily call my best friend – have had her for almost ten years now – but she lives in Texas so it isn’t the same. We talk all the time and I couldn’t be closer to her if she lived in this house but I wish to god I could spend time with her for real.
Getting clean and sober was supposed to make my life so much better. I’m still waiting for that. Of its better from the standpoint of being a better mother and a better person in general but I still have no strength or drive. I want the life I used to have back. I want to anticipate T coming home. I want to dress up for him and light the candles and seduce him. I want our lust back!!! Where did it go and how do I fix it?

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2 thoughts on “I wanna go hone

  1. You sound so much like me… I’ve been searching terms like AA and rational recovery and smart recovery because I’m lonely. I’ll be sober 12 years this summer and life is better this way, but it’s lonely. I don’t know how to fit in a world that drinks. Is it “hang with the drinkers” or “hang out at AA and talk about not drinking”? Surely not… But how do ex-drinkers find and connect with other non-drinkers just for friendship and companionship? I don’t know how to be with people. Even after all these years, I don’t know how to socialize without alcohol. I’m reading “Taking the long way home,” a memoir about a friendship between two alcoholic women – and it makes me feel jealous and sad about my own lack of close friends. I could keep focusing on my kids and husband and home… But I want to have a life apart from that. It’s not possible to have passion for a husband when you don’t have passion for yourself and your own days. We need the close, personal bonds with other women. We need to share and feel valued for something other than sex or mommyhood for those things to bring joy. I hate that people would rather Facebook than dial a flipping phone. I don’t really have any answers, but I share your frustration… Thanks for the post – I don’t know you, but I needed to know I’m not the only one that feels this way.

  2. shannwa says:

    Thanks for replying. Sorry I took so long to re:reply. Depression sucks and I haven’t been on the blog much. I relate to how you feel completely. I don’t feel like I have close friends, at least not close by. I have a very good friend in Texas but being in Michigan makes that a little difficult for lunches etc. I had a chance to have a group of friends with similar hobby interests as I have, but I blew that all to hell with my depression and my withdrawling from society over and over again. Now it’s too late for them, as it seems they don’t want me anymore. I feel so alone all the time, even in a group. I think it’s time for some professional help for me, not that it’s ever done any good in the past. 😦

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