On Tuesday I will be 20 weeks pregnant!! I can’t believe that I am already half-way there; a little more I guess since they will do the c-section at either 38 or 39 weeks. Pregnancy is finally the wonderful experience that I remember it being with Jacob. This baby kicks several times a day (something I didn’t even feel the beginnings of with Jake until almost 25 weeks) and has been noticeably moving for several weeks now. I’ve actually felt the kicks on the outside once or twice, but TJ is never handy at the moment that Belly Bean (our nickname for this little one) decides to use all the power he/she has. I hate writing he/she, but hopefully after Tuesday’s ultra-sound I won’t have to anymore…fingers crossed. The big u/s is Tuesday (as I just said) and if the baby is cooperative we’ll know the sex. How exciting. Even more exciting, though, is that we’ll know that everything is okay with this baby and all the parts are working the way they should etc. When I first found out I was pregnant it seemed like everything was moving so slowly and that the end would never get here. I think I’m finally learning to slow down and just enjoy the process and being pregnant. I don’t want this to go by too quickly as it’s probably the last time I’m going to experience this.
I say probably b/c TJ and I went into this pregnancy positive that it was going to be our last, but the farther I get into this one, the more I think it wouldn’t be so bad to have just one more. Of course age becomes a factor. I’m going to be a few weeks away from my 36th birthday when this baby arrives and I would want to wait at least a year and half or two years before having another baby. It took quite awhile for us to get pregnant with this one and I have no reason to think that all the hormonal problems that I had getting pregnant with B.B. (belly bean) will just go away after the birth. So that would mean more rounds of Clomid (I don’t know if anyone in this family could handle my mood swings on that) more hoping, more disappointment initially and the possibility of it taking a year or more to happen. I have to ask myself if I want to be chasing a five-year old around when I’m in my early 40’s and what would it mean to the possibility of TJ being able to retire in his mid-50’s. I know all of these concerns are in the future, but they loom large in my mind for some reason.
This pregnancy has been great for my mental state!!! Just like when I was pregnant with Jacob, it seems that all the depression, isolation and myriad other problems that plague me during the rest of my life just go away. I’ve been leaving the house almost daily to go on outings, which anyone who knows me well knows is an extreme rarity for me. I’ve even started wearing make-up on an almost daily basis again. During the months and years of depression that followed Jacob’s birth and my back injury I had some good months where I made new friends and did social things, but of course I always crawled back into my proverbial hole and pulled away after a while. I don’t know why I did/do those things, but I do. Right now, though, the urge to get out there and mingle with the rest of the world is strong. I even thought about going to a knit night at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago, but wasn’t sure if the reception would be chilly and I would feel even more isolated than I did when I was self-isolating. Long story short, I chickened out! Not proud of that. March is another month, though, and I will try again. What’s the worst thing that could happen, honestly? No one would talk to me, they would tell me they didn’t want me there? I doubt that any of those ladies would be that cruel. So even though I’m not expanding my horizons at the moment, I am really enjoying spending a lot more time with TJ outside the house. We’re getting together with another mother from Jake’s school next week and taking Jake, his best friend and said best friend’s sister to the circus. There’s a scary thought: Clowns. Hate ’em! We’ve also been making family outings to the mall for Jake to play video games at the arcade when he has a good (green) week at school. I’ll admit that TJ and I play as much as we watch. It’s a fun family outing for all of us.
We’re also planning one last “family of three” trip over spring break for Jake. We’re going to take the train to Chicago and spend a few days going to the aquarium and the children’s museum. I think he’d be content to just have the train ride, but the rest will be a nice break and get away from home for all of us. I’ve been trying to do things with Jake that are fun for him as the time for the birth gets closer. He hasn’t shown much in the way of jealousy thus far, in fact he’s been really excited about this baby coming, but I think that once the reality of the situation sets in and the baby isn’t just a concept in my belly, he’s not going to be thrilled with it. He’ll love being a big brother, I think, but the loss of all the attention may be hard for him to deal with. We’ve been talking to him about it regularly and trying to reassure him that there is more than enough love in our hearts for him and this baby. Time will tell how he does with it, I guess…