Infertility Sucks!!

Bad news from the baby doc yesterday.  One more round of Clomid and then he’s pretty much done.  Referral to RE is a hopeful thing but an expensive one.  Our insurance doesn’t cover even one small little penny of infertility treatment so it’s all out of pocket.  The cost of even doing a medicated cycle with an RE seems staggering right now.  Just U/S costs and medication is probably way out of our price range.  I want to curl up in a ball and cry and sleep and rage and hit things and break things…you get the point.  I can’t remember a time where I felt this bad without being in the depths of deep clinical depression.

Things have been so good since starting the medicated cycles in all other respects.  I’m sleeping better, I have more energy, more patience (just ask my mom about me being able to help her with her computer over the phone without freaking out), I just have more everything…more everything that is but eggs, apparently.  No ovulation with the 100mg of Clomid and I’m really not very hopeful that doing another round at the same dose will help either.  I asked the OB to switch me over to Glucophage for the last cycle to see if that would work…nope….then I asked about a higher dose of Clomid…nope.  So he’s basically dooming me to failure from the get go.  At least that’s how it feels.

Happily the Infertility Specialists that they want to refer me to are “one step under God” according to the nurse at OB’s office.  She says if there is any small chance that they can get you pregnant they will and that they are also moral men who will not keep doing unnecessary procedures if they think there is no hope for you.  They will tell you up front if they don’t think there is any way for you to conceive.  This is just so hard.  Getting pregnant with Jacob was so easy.  2 cycles of trying was all it took.  I don’t know what the hell has happened to me in the intervening five years that has made my body hate me so much.  Yes, I’ve put on weight – who hasn’t? – but that only produces excess estrogen (in terms of conception problems) and my estrogen is low, hence the supplement.  So what the hell is it?  If someone could tell me, I’d change it.  I’d do anything at all to conceive just one more baby.  Gonna go now, if I write anymore the rest of the night will be filled with me feeling sorry for myself and crying, eating etc.

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