Feeling Friendless…or maybe just sorry for myself…

I think cabin fever has finally gotten to me.  I’ve cut my pain meds. down a SIGNIFICANT amount as well as completely getting off of Zoloft and I’m seeing a HUGE change in myself and my drive to have a life.  You know, like I have the drive to have a life that doesn’t revolve around solo knitting, interneting and sleeping.  The problem is…I think I’ve driven all my friends away with my past ho-hum attitude and my unwillingness to make – or keep, if I’m being honest – plans.  ARGH!!  When Andrea lived with us I had a built in friend even if I bitched about the lack of privacy at times.  When she first left, it was a relief; I didn’t have to deal with being “on” at all, ever, if I didn’t want to.  One of the best things about having her around was her dragging me to things like knit night and other events even if I didn’t feel like getting dressed and going anywhere.  I always had such a good time with “the girls”, that was never the problem.  I didn’t even want to go home at the end of the afternoon/evening once I got there, it was the motivation to get there that was killing me.  Much like my sex life, but that’s a whole other story for a different day/post.  In a lot of ways, Andrea was really good for me and my social life.  Now she’s gone, though.  Has been since late Aug. and it’s just now really effecting me and my socializing (sad commentary about the state of my life, huh?)

So she’s gone and TJ and I are out of the “blue house” in Kalamazoo and living in our very own (bought and paid for) house in Battle Creek.  Hmmm…my blog name doesn’t fit anymore.  Somehow, though, Battle Creek Mommy Knits doesn’t sound as good.  I like the alliteration.  I think I’ll keep Kalamazoo Mommy…it sounds better and it’s close enough.  But I digress…  So we’re in our own home and it’s still got a long way to go.  All the rooms are livable, but the bedrooms need painting and ours needs carpet.  We need blinds, I’m sick of the neighbors, who I think might be drug dealers (both sides, sigh), being privy to every aspect of our lives.  The biggest issue, though, is the kitchen.  We still have to drag our appliances from blue house to this one (before the 10th when the house belongs to the bank…thanks again, Rachel, for the royal screwing) and finish bringing the furniture.  Had we known that we were going to buy this house we wouldn’t have planned a three week trip to the other side of the country right before Christmas.  What’s done is done, though, and whining and bitching won’t fix it.  We need to get the shit done and get a kitchen in my house.  We are making due surprisingly well, though, with a refrigerator down the basement, an electric fry pan, two crock pots and a microwave.  We managed to have Christmas Eve at our house for family, feed them and even have leftovers.  Sweet and sour meatballs…mmmm…oops, I’m digressing again.  LOL  We also need to go out and buy a new love seat, the chaise chair we have, while comfy and pretty, isn’t really a very viable option for company.  I think a love seat that matches the club chair and couch would be a much better fit.  Especially since I want to start hosting a knit/spin night here once a month.  I feel like I have so much to give back to my knitting friends and I love the thought of entertaining in my very own home.  I admit, too, there’s the smallest pull at the thought of not having to go out and still being social; old habits and all…

So now I’m starting to feel a lot more like my old self.  The self I was back before I moved to Kalamazoo 10 years ago.  When I was still down in the Detroit area there was very rarely a night when I just sat at home in front of the TV doing nothing.  I was always out and about.  Clearly hurting my back the way I did when Jake was born changed a lot of that, but I wasn’t exactly a social butterfly before he was born, either.  Living up north created, or brought to the surface, most of the fears that have plauged me for the last 4 years or so.  The fear of driving being right up there with reasons for me to stay (safely) in the house.  Cutting down the meds and this new house (new start?) seem to have taken care of that.  I actually left the house today to go shopping and out to eat with Jake while TJ is out of town.  There was plenty of food in the house and no reason I HAD to leave, but I made the choice and I’m happy to have done it.  I felt so normal when we got home.  Sad, huh?  Now that I’m ready to have a social life again, though, I fear that I’ve driven away the very people I want to be social with.

I’ve blown off or declined to make plans with Shannon more times than I can count and I don’t even know how to start going about making that up to her.  Sorry, if you’re reading this.  My knitting girls I haven’t seen in over a year – I keep saying I’m going to come to knit events and then blow them off.  Not that I think it really effects anyone one way or the other if I’m there or not, but it does kind of destroy my credibility.  So now I’m feeling like maybe it would be better for me to just try to make all new friends (my favorite M.O.).  The problem is that I DON’T WANT TO!!  I like the friends that I have/had and I want to get back into the swing of things.  I just don’t seem to know how.  See, I warned the world in my post title that I’m feeling seriously sorry for myself tonight.  I’m bored to death and wish I was out doing something, of course I can’t be with TJ out of town and Jake here.

Jake and I spent the whole day today, other than when we were out, playing Wii.  I love, love, love that thing.  BEST Christmas gift we got this year.  Jake loves bowling, fishing (UGH) and billiards.  He’s really good at bowling, too, and often out scores both his father and myself.  It’s so cute to watch him play.  It’s not enough, though.  I need friends, I need a life outside of this house.  I will NOT be a prisoner in my own house, mind etc. anymore.  I WILL overcome this, somehow.  Any thoughts, advice etc. are more than welcome!!

If you’re still here and reading, thanks…there will be actual knitting content next time, which will be soon.  Have a happy new year everyone!!

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