Grief sneaks up on you

Corky’s been gone 2 weeks tomorrow.  The first night and the following day were pretty bad, then Thanksgiving and traveling were upon us and that took my mind off of things.  Coming home gave me a twinge of sadness, but I shook it off.  Corky was really sick and he was weak enough that he couldn’t even tell us if he was in pain or not.  We made the best, nay the ONLY decision that a caring, loving family could make for their pet.  I was okay with the decision and I was getting over the loss.  So I thought…

I wasn’t feeling like being social at all the night after Corky left us, but my BIL was visiting from up north.  So we moved the cable box up to the TV in our bedroom (which usually isn’t even plugged in) and holed up for the night to wallow in my grief and self pity.  The problem is that it’s two weeks later and the TV and cable box are still up here.  Most of Jake’s toys have also made their way up here.  More and more lately, I don’t want to leave the room; I don’t want to face the memories of Corky that are all over the living room and kitchen.  I don’t want to face my grief.  The more I’m up here, though, the worse I feel.  I don’t notice it all that often, I just see it as tired, and not feeling well, but when I look at it objectively, usually in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, I see it for what it is:  a downward spiral of depression and self-pity.  It’s not healthy.  It’s not good for me or for Jake or for anyone else for that matter.  The housework isn’t up to par, the cat box is dirty, TJ is sleeping on the couch b/c I don’t sleep and even Jake is starting to act out.

It’s time to shake the cobwebs out of my head and do something about this.  I could be complacent about this for months, letting the time slip by without my even really noticing it, but the one who really suffers here is Jacob and I have to be more concerned about his well being than I am weak and depressed.  I have to fight this for his sake as well as for mine.

I haven’t left the house in days.  Not good.  It’s reminiscent of the last months in Lake City.  I even missed knitting last week, which isn’t like me at all.  Sure, I had a decent reason, TJ had work to get done after being at work so much all week. It would have been a MAJOR inconvenience for him to take Jake for the few hours I would have been gone, but he would have done it and without complaint.  I know that.  It really was just a lot easier to stay in bed, watch movies with Jacob and not bother with the world.  The thing is that I know I would have had a great time!   Ilove the Zombie Prom Daters and being one is one of my favorite things.  I always have a great time and laugh a ton when I’m with Spinsanity.  I just didn’t have it in me.  It was totally self destructive, though.  This week I’m going not only to ZPDK but to Guild as well and to Spinsanity’s house for some knitting/spinning before guild.  I’m jumping back into life even if feels like it takes everything I have to do it.  The TV is also coming down tomorrow no matter what.  If we want to watch TV, it will be in the living room like normal people.  I’m coming back, baby, just wait and see.

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