I’ve been a bad little blogger. I haven’t posted in awhile. Life has been a little crazy. Not really, kind of, maybe I’m just being lazy. LOL
TJ and Jake are up north (again) for the beginning of the week. Jake loves it up there so much, and I wish I could be there with them to see his joy and his freedom, but I’m just not quite there yet. Being up there reminds me so much of the darkest time in my life; a time when, looking back, I was so close to breaking completely and possibly not coming back. It’s a shame b/c I really do love it up there, at least I did before I lived there. How many people are thinking ‘drama queen’? Hands?!?! I even feel that way a bit, but whatever, I’m not ready to be there. I know that eventually I’m going to have to just suck it up and get my ass up there and take care of closing down the house and getting the things that I want for this house down here, but not yet. Maybe after the dead heat of summer is over and fall has set in. It’s so gorgeous up there in the fall: the colors are indescribable and to die for. It’s the final step to getting over things, I know.
I’ve actually been productive while I’ve been home alone this time, though. I rearranged the living room yesterday and I love it. We’ve pretty much just had the furniture where the delivery guys put it since March when we moved in. I’ve been so complacent about this house for FAR too long. I think a big part of it was going from that shitty little trailer (I’ve seen really nice trailers and then there’s where we lived…one day I’ll post some pictures) to this big, beautiful house. It was overwhelming. I’m finally taking charge, though. I’m taking charge of my life, charge of my family and charge of my house. The next step is a little decorating. I’ve got a huge box full of frames etc. that I got when we lived in the trailer that I never found the drive to use. I’m about to dig out that box and Jake’s baby pics as well as wedding pics etc. and take this HOUSE we’ve been living in and make it our HOME! I feel so strong and so empowered since I’ve made these decisions. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve spent so many years just letting life happen to me; I’ve just kind of skated along, going with the flow, not feeling like I have any control so why bother. It’s all a mind set, I think. I’m the only one that can make my life the kind of life that I want, and for too long I’ve longed for a “good” and “normal” life and waited for it to come to me. Now I’m going to reach out and take it. Funny how something as small as rearranging some furniture can lead to a whole life revolution. I’m feeling like rushing through this entry so I can get to it. I won’t, though.
One of the biggest steps I took was moving my “base of operations”. When I lived at the trailer, when we first moved in, I was hurt and I couldn’t really get out of bed for more than a few minutes at a time. Over time, that bedroom became my safe place. I didn’t feel comfortable in any other room in the house for long periods of time. I got to a point where I was afraid to leave the house. Even going on the porch was a traumatic event. TJ forced me to leave the house, to go for drives, even when I was clinging to the door, eyes screwed shut, sure we were going to die, it was not a good time in my life. My mother bought me a new car last year when I was visiting her in CA, but I was too terrified to drive it. TJ got a lot of use out of my beautiful PT Cruiser, but for me it was one more bitter reminder of what a failure I had become at life. Anyone who knew me in the past knows that cars were where I spent most of my free time. My best friend D and I spent much of our teen/early 20’s driving around, chatting, listening to music etc.; I’m talking about 6-10 hours a day. Sounds lame now, but back then it was a great time, some of the best times of my life.
When we moved here, I was determined to make things different. In a lot of ways, they were from the beginning, I stopped being afraid to leave the house to a degree. I was still uncomfortable with it, but I wasn’t incapable of the act anymore. My housekeeping skills, which were non-existent in the trailer, definitely improved dramatically. The problem was that the bedroom remained the room that I was most comfortable in. I moved in my TV, took the cable box from the living room and moved it up there, brought all my knitting supplies in there and made that the place I was. I spent easily 3/4 of my day in the house in that bedroom. It was a lot nicer than the bedroom at the trailer, but still it was a prison of sorts; a much prettier one, but still I was trapped. It changed yesterday, and I don’t even know why. I moved the cable box back to the living room where it belongs, I took the TV completely out of the bedroom, it’s never coming back, and I redid the living room. It seems like it’s a really small thing, but for me a HUGE step and I’m really proud and I’m really happy about it. When we moved in, my mother bought us a living room and dining room full of gorgeous and very comfortable furniture and I’m finally using it. YAY me. How sad that this is a major accomplishment for me. I need to keep this thing going, I need to keep moving forward and taking steps, even if they are just baby steps.
On to knitting. If you’re still with me at this point, through all my rambling and probably repeating myself over and over again, thanks. You are troopers. 🙂 My main focus is my scarf swap partner’s scarf. It really is beautiful and I’m enjoying working on it. I just have to make the time to get it done. I emailed her yesterday, explaining the craziness that’s been going on with Jake and TJ, then me, being sick and the drama with Jake having to go to the ENT on Thursday to see if they’re going to take his tonsils out (Dr. V seemed pretty sure that’s what’s going to happen) and almost as traumatic me having to possibly have mine out (which D, who went through it last year, told me is the most painful thing; that it’s a terrible recovery) and I just hope she understands. I’m so going to spoil her with goodies as well as her scarf in the final package. I hope she loves it.
My other big knitting project(s) of the time is the X-mas gifts. I finally started the Garden Path Shawl last night and I got it. After the Rambling Leaves Shawl disaster I was really worried about another lace shawl. This one is going great, though. I made it through the first 18 rows and I’ll start the chart tonight; after putting in the time on the scarf. I’m committed to at least two lace repeats per day for the scarf so I can get it done. I wanted to just sit and plug away at it until I was done, but I’ve found that after a few repeats, my mind starts to wander and I start to make mistakes. I want this to be perfect for my swappee and dammit, I’m going to, even if it takes a little longer to get it done.
Okay, enough rambling for one day. Time to get out those frames and decide how to best make this house MY home!!!