Home Alone Wednesday

Tj and Jake have left to go up north for the weekend.  My Sleep Apnea is making it too difficult for me to do much up there to be useful and with my mother-in-law up there things are even more crazy than usual.  There is much work to be done and Jacob will be running around like crazy and I just don’t have the energy right now to  chase him which becomes a dangerous situation.  Between my insomnia and my lack of any real sleep when I do finally fall asleep, I just can’t handle being up there.  I’m bummed to be home alone (again), which I used to just love, but I keep telling myself that as soon as they find the right machine to fix this, life will be a whole lot better.  I’ve heard so many stories about people who get on the machines for the apnea and their lives change so dramatically:  so much more energy than before, so much more drive, just a better quality of life.  That’s what I want.  Went to Dr. M yesterday.  somehow, I’ve gained 10 lbs. in the last month…how the f*&k did that happen?!?!  Other than that, I’m doing well.  Blood pressure is good, back is doing well etc.  We’re getting ready to start weaning off the pain meds, which I’ve wanted to do for the last 6 months or so.  If I can get this apnea under control, I could have a “normal” life again.

I’m making progress on Fifi, but I’ve made some small mistakes that I’ve chosen to leave alone.  I added an extra straight knitting round when it should have been a staggered cable row.  I had put a lifeline in the knitted row, though, so I didn’t want to TINK it and i just left it.  I hope it doesn’t cause too much of a problem in the long run.

The patterns for the X-mas shawls have changed and are settled.  One of them will be the Forest Canopy Shawl done in elann.com Peruvian cashmere and the other is the Rambling Leaves Shawl which I’ll be doing in elann.com Peruvian Baby Silk.  I hope that they are loved, b/c I’m putting love into making them.  I think I might have to put Fifi aside for a little while (a few days) and swatch these two shawls  to make sure that the yarn will work, which it should since the patterns were recommended with the yarn.  I’m so excited about working on these shawls.  I’m nervous about it at the same time, though.  I’ve never really knit any lace before and I want to get this right.  I also have my scarf swap buddy to knit for but I’m not sure what to knit for her.  I guess I’ll have to email her again and see if she’ll get more specific with me re: her likes/dislikes.  I’m thinking of doing something with the alpaca/silk or maybe the left over hana silk, but it’s SO pink and I don’t know if she’d like that.  Maybe I’ll do something with the wool that I got from Uruguay (did I spell that right?) or maybe one of my Louisa Harding yarns.  The Impressions and the Kimono Angora are both beautiful.  I’m thinking maybe a simple lace pattern to get some practice, since I’ve been downloading and saving tons of scarf patterns for X-mas presents for the ‘fringe’ people in the family.  For Mom I’m thinking of adding a few decorative felted boxes/baskets/bowls for the house.  That seems like something that she’d like, I hope.  My mother, OTOH, I’m still at a total loss about.

We’re talking again, btw.  That makes me so happy!!!  I didn’t think it would matter so much; I thought that I was so angry about the whole thing that I didn’t give a crap, but clearly the mother/daughter bond is a lot stronger than I thought it was.  That makes me happy.  I’ve spent so much time feeling estranged from my parents and Dad is gone so there’s nothing I can do about that, but Mom is still here and I want to make the most of that.   Since having Jacob I realize just how important family is.  I’ve really enjoyed having good talks with my Aunt Marian the last few days.  I feel really close to her now.  I miss being close with the rest of the family.  I have so much fun when I’m in CA visiting.  I think I’d go crazy with it all the time, but two weeks to a month is like being in the heart of something great; something that I can connect to.  I want Jake to have those kinds of connections.  I want him to have the childhood that I didn’t b/c my mother had to work so hard to keep everything going.  She had so much put on her shoulders, so much responsibility, that it wasn’t easy for her to find time to do the “fun mom stuff”.  I’m determined to make that kind of time for Jacob; I want him to have great memories of his childhood.  that’s not to say that I don’t; I was a very much loved child and I never wondered if I was loved…well, with my dad…but that’s a different story and we worked through that before he died.  I think that I’m so obsessed with the concept of “normal” family b/c my upbringing was a bit unconventional.  The problem with this is that I have no idea what “normal family” means and I think I may be striving for a concept rather than something real.

I’m off to waste a few hours on Ravelry (I’m so addicted to it, it’s not even funny) and then I’ll probably swatch the Forest Canopy shawl after printing out the pattern and reading it over like 5 times.  I’m obsessive like that.  I have learned, through Fifi, that lifeline is the key word in any kind of knitting that involves something big with a stitch pattern (lace, cables etc.) that are hard to rip back and get back on the needles decently.  I feel kind of like I’m copping out on Fifi by putting it aside, especially b/c it’s a knit-along, but if I don’t get the shawls done, I’m right and truly screwed.  Kalamazoo Mommy, I hear you saying, it’s not even August, X-mas is still 5 months away.  Good point, but if you know me, I’m not the quickest knitter and this is all new skills, so better safe than late.  Can you just see me coming to X-mas dinner and saying, “sorry I’m going to have to give you your gifts at a later time and date as they aren’t done yet.” Yeah, I don’t think that would go over too well.

Night Y’all!!

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