Infertility Sucks!!

Bad news from the baby doc yesterday.  One more round of Clomid and then he’s pretty much done.  Referral to RE is a hopeful thing but an expensive one.  Our insurance doesn’t cover even one small little penny of infertility treatment so it’s all out of pocket.  The cost of even doing a medicated cycle with an RE seems staggering right now.  Just U/S costs and medication is probably way out of our price range.  I want to curl up in a ball and cry and sleep and rage and hit things and break things…you get the point.  I can’t remember a time where I felt this bad without being in the depths of deep clinical depression.

Things have been so good since starting the medicated cycles in all other respects.  I’m sleeping better, I have more energy, more patience (just ask my mom about me being able to help her with her computer over the phone without freaking out), I just have more everything…more everything that is but eggs, apparently.  No ovulation with the 100mg of Clomid and I’m really not very hopeful that doing another round at the same dose will help either.  I asked the OB to switch me over to Glucophage for the last cycle to see if that would work…nope….then I asked about a higher dose of Clomid…nope.  So he’s basically dooming me to failure from the get go.  At least that’s how it feels.

Happily the Infertility Specialists that they want to refer me to are “one step under God” according to the nurse at OB’s office.  She says if there is any small chance that they can get you pregnant they will and that they are also moral men who will not keep doing unnecessary procedures if they think there is no hope for you.  They will tell you up front if they don’t think there is any way for you to conceive.  This is just so hard.  Getting pregnant with Jacob was so easy.  2 cycles of trying was all it took.  I don’t know what the hell has happened to me in the intervening five years that has made my body hate me so much.  Yes, I’ve put on weight – who hasn’t? – but that only produces excess estrogen (in terms of conception problems) and my estrogen is low, hence the supplement.  So what the hell is it?  If someone could tell me, I’d change it.  I’d do anything at all to conceive just one more baby.  Gonna go now, if I write anymore the rest of the night will be filled with me feeling sorry for myself and crying, eating etc.

Fertility Drugs Can Change Your Life!

Who knew.  Secondary infertility has saved my life!!  Sounds crazy, right?  It’s true, though.  In my last post I talked a little about the meds I’m taking, but more about the side effects etc.  So here’s the deal with the meds:  Dr. Hamilton (my favorite doctor in the world currently) put me on a cocktail of 100 mg of Clomid CD 3-7, 3 mg Estradiol (which is estrogen) every 12 hours CD 8-12 and finally Prochieve gel (which is progesterone) daily from CD 17 until there is a negative home pregnancy test on CD 27 or for the first 10-12 weeks of the pregnancy.  (CD means cycle day, btw).  Since I haven’t been ovulating with any regularity at all for the last 5 years (since Jake was born), my body hasn’t produced any progesterone of its own in most of that time and my estrogen has also been extremely low.  Now I knew that conception would be impossible without those hormones, but what I didn’t know was that those little devils effect a lot more that goes on in your life/brain than just reproductive things.  I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on television, and I don’t know the whats, whys or hows of it all, but balancing these hormones this past month in an attempt to knock me up has changed my life irrevocably!

People that have met me since Jake was born don’t really know the “real” me, at least not the me I used to be when my body worked the way it was supposed to.  Before Jake was born I was a happy go lucky kind of gal, one who cared what she looked like when she left the house, always wore makeup (unless it was hellishly hot outside and it would just slide off – like today), couldn’t sit at home doing nothing without feeling like she was going crazy, was exceptionally social and happy.  The Shannon people who have known me for 5 years or less that people have known has been slovenly about her appearance much of the time, has never worn makeup – even to things like weddings, has constantly made plans (b/c I genuinely wanted to do things with people that I like) but then cancelled them at the last minute b/c the thought of actually leaving the house and doing something wasn’t just distasteful to her, but was honestly frightening.  This Shannon has been afraid of everything all this time.  I used to spend 6-8 hours a night driving around with my best friend Deniece when we were teenagers, early twenties.  I LOVED being in the car, being on the go.  Now I’ve been terrified of being in the car for any length of time and while I was able to control it to the degree that I could sit in the passenger seat with TJ driving or let friends pick me up (even that was rare, though, and there were only a few people who’s cars I would get into:  Shannon’s, my brother in law’s…OMG those are the only two I can think of…wait, I would let Andrea drive my car with me in it.  I was not, however, able to get myself to drive the car anywhere other than to McDonald’s up the road or maybe the gas station at the corner for a pop, and NEVER with Jake in the car.  It was a full blown phobia, it seems.

A few years ago, I met Spinsanity Shannon and joined a few knitting groups.  I thought that would be the beginning of getting better.  I had met a great group of women who were interested in the same things I was.  I learned to spin, yay, went to meetings and was social for the first time in years.  Even that didn’t last for me, though.  ‘The fears, the laziness, the apathy took back over and it’s been almost a year now since I’ve even seen any of them.  My loss, not theirs.  I keep planning to go back and I always let the fear of not being wanted, not being accepted get in the way.  This is one example of the way that I’ve been self-destructive over the last years.  I feel like I’ve digressed a bit, though, b/c I had to get up to tend to Jacob for awhile.  Back to my point…

Since I’ve taken the meds, I’ve found myself with a completely different state of mind. Where I used to spend 80% of my time in bed either knitting and watching TV or playing on the computer etc.  I’m all about getting my house in order now.  The upstairs is almost done:  our bedroom is completely organized, clean and gorgeous, the office is about 95% there and we have Jake’s room yet to do.  Our upstairs bathroom still needs a lot of work but mostly stuff TJ has to do, so I can’t do it.  I’m doing laundry 3-4 times a week – how the hell do we accumulate so much laundry, seriously?!?!  The biggest changes, though, have been in my fears and my almost pathalogical need to be by myself over the last years.  The last two “weekends” (our weekends are usually Monday night through Thursday afternoon b/c TJ works the early morning shift at Duncan Friday through Monday) we’ve gone up North (I swore I would never go there again after we moved back down here) and I’ve had a GREAT time.  I rode the quads with and without Jake (was TERRIFIED of them before, wouldn’t even sit on one when it was off) and I had a blast.  Going fast rocks!!  I went to the beach (pictures in next post about Jake’s mini-birthday party) and played in the surf and sand (not like me at all, I’ve had a lake/ocean/pond/anything with living aquatic creatures phobia for as long as I can remember) with Jake and loved it.  I even learned how to mud and sand a wall to prepare it for painting.  The big change here is that I enjoyed all of these things and didn’t long to be at home, in my bed watching TV.  My DVR is suffering greatly from this change in me.  Where it used to always be almost empty b/c I watched TV constantly, now it’s almost full b/c I spend so little time with the boob tube.  My knitting has suffered (oh, I just got the Zephyr Options needles from Knit Picks, btw, but haven’t used them yet.  Pretty.) b/c I don’t spend much time sitting around.  Today has been a lazy do nothing day just like yesterday b/c it’s just too hot to move around w/out a/c in the house.  As soon as it’s cool again, though, I’ll be back to chores and getting this house in order.  I tried to work on the living room a bit yesterday but was sweating and dizzy before too long.  It’ll get done, though.

So, long story short, as TJ says, it’s not like my wife has changed, it’s like being married to a completely different person!!  I’m glad when he says that and I like the person I’m becoming.  Still have a long way to go, and I’m still a little nervous re: the social aspects and being accepted by the people I want to be with most after blowing them all off for so long, but I guess even that is a part of growing and changing.  I’m going to have to face it eventually; I’m working on my courage.  Oh yeah, one other HUGE change.  I’m driving again.  All over the place and LOVING it more than I have words for.  TJ is now regularly getting into the passenger seat and having me drive him around…the freedom is exhilerating.  It’s been a real pain to try to schedule everything around when he could drive me or when someone else can.  I’m not usually one to toot my own horn, but GO ME!!!  LOL

The Baby Quest Begins

So today is my first day taking the Clomid at a higher dose.  I took the two pills this morning and I’m waiting for horrible side effects to kick in.  So far so good.  Last time I took Clomid (at 1/2 the current dose) I had some moodiness, lost my appetite almost completely and couldn’t sleep for more than an hour or so at a time for the entire five days.  I took it at night last time in hopes of avoiding some of the bitchier side effects.  I paid with sleep.  So we’ll see how this goes.

I’m really feeling anxious about this!  I want to have another baby so badly I can taste it.  Every time I see a baby on TV or a pregnant woman or someone shopping with a newborn I just want to bawl my eyes out.  I’m grateful that I have the wonderful child that I have and I know there are so many women who don’t even have the one who are going through what I am and even worse, but it doesn’t change the visceral reaction I have to seeing these things.

Having the world’s most hellacious period doesn’t help matters, I have to admit.  I was complaining last week about bleeding heavily for over 3 weeks; yeah, let’s go back to that.  This bleeding is MUCH heavier and the cramps are horrible.  It’s almost like VERY mini-labor.  My hip bones feel like they want to pop out…LOL  So I’m in bed (or on couch depending on the time of day) and I’m playing TV, computer, and knitting catch up.  I plan to (read: hope to) finish the Moderne Baby Blanket in the next day or so.  I have block #10 and the border left and I’m done.  Then I have the 2nd 1/2 of Anouk to finish for my friend Lisa’s new baby girl, Ainsley (isn’t that a beautiful name?)  I have to say that Anouk is one of the favorite projects that I’ve done lately.  I love the yarn – Cascade’s Pima Tencel – it’s so soft and the colors are so vibrant.  I’m using the same colors that are used in the pattern and I love it.  I’d like to make another one in the future using some softer colors as well.  I think it would make a pretty little tunic in pastels. We’ll see.

My 52 pair plunge seems to have plunged itself right down the toilet.  I haven’t even finished the first pair.  I’m getting ready to order the replacement needles that I need so that I can get back to work.

We’re getting ready to leave for a week in Pittsburgh tomorrow.  Wondering how that car ride will go with the cramps?  TJ has to work there and we don’t like being apart for a week if we don’t have to.  It’s fun to get a chance to take Jake to different states and for him to see different things.  Doesn’t look like we’ll have a lot of time this time around to go a museum or an aquarium, but I’m sure we’ll find something to do.  We’re staying at one of my favorite hotels: the Hampton Inn.  I gotta tell you that the beds at this hotel are to die for.  OMG…so comfortable.

Gotta run…Jake wants to play War.  It’s his new favorite card game and he’s pretty good at it.  It’s been great for helping him learn numbers and what number is bigger than what other number etc.  Later folks…

Loving the new Fertility Doctor

I had my appointment with the new Fertility Doctor yesterday.  I was so scared going in that I was going to get really bad news.  Not so much!!!  Yay!  We talked about the period that will not end – he said it was annovulatory bleeding and it could go on for a long time.  The solution to it, strange as it may seem, is to make me bleed more.  LOL  He’s given me a Rx for Provera to make me have a “real” period.  That will be followed by 5 days of Clomid, then 4 days of Estrogen and later 10+ days of Progesterone.  He tells me that this cocktail of meds is twice as effective as using Clomid alone.  He also doubled the dose of the Clomid this cycle. So I’m feeling optimistic for the first time in a long time about having another baby.  With my birthday coming up, I can’t think of a better present than a positive on a pregnancy test.  Here’s hoping…

Finished K’s Multi-Directional Scarf finally.  I started it in Feb. of ‘08 when I was in CA. for a visit.  I put it aside for a long time when I got home.  When I realized that I was leaving to go out there again in May of this year, I got it out and started working on it again.  I worked on it while I was out there and hoped to get it done while I was there to give to her, but I didn’t have the time I thought I would for knitting while I was out there, so I didn’t get to finish it before I came home.  Now that it’s done, I’m let down.  I really enjoyed the simplicity of the pattern; made for great TV  knitting.  So now I’m working full time on the Moderne Baby Blanket for my FIL’s girlfriend’s newest granddaughter.  More easy knitting, but as you get to the end parts, each section takes forever.  I’m almost done with block 9 of 10 blocks and then I just have the border to do and it will be off to the baby.  I need to hurry, though, b/c she was born in Feb. so if it’s not done soon, she’ll outgrow it…:)  My sock plunge is really suffering, but I’ve got to get these things done.  It’s my motivation to hurry so I can finish my Coriolis socks.

I’m having a problem with size five needles, though.  It’s like I’m cursed with these.  In the last six months I’ve managed to snap in half one each of two different sets of Harmony Option size 5 tips and one of the Harmony Straights size fives.  Of course all of my current projects: socks, baby blanket, shawl are all being done on fives.  ARGH!!!  Time for a Knit Picks order.

Back from Cali, knitting socks and staying off my feet…fun times!

Been awhile again since my last post.  I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t seem to find the time or the energy for the computer these days for some reason.  I can’t remember the last time I actually checked my email.  If anyone has sent me anything and I haven’t responded, sorry.  I’m more apt to see something you send me on Facebook or Twitter than I am in an email…LOL  Kind of sad, huh?!?!

So I went to California on June 9th and stayed for 3 weeks.  Seeing my mother is always so great for me; if you know me and my mother, though, you also know that it’s a hugely stressful time for both of us.  We are both very strong personalities and we tend to clash in a lot of ways.  There is so much love there, though, that the happy moments always far outweigh the stressful ones.  This trip was about going to see David Cook with my favorite family member in the world, Krista and taking Jake back to Sea World to actually touch the dolphins.  The rest was all up in the air.  Spending time with Krista is always one of my favorite things to do.  We have the sort of relationship where we don’t really have to be doing anything special, we just like to be together.  One of our favorite group activities is, believe it or not, just sitting around with coloring books and colored pencils and coloring.  We both have these stupidly expensive Disney Princess coloring books that have really high quality paper and we guard them jealously, not letting anyone (no, not even Jacob) color in them but us.  Kind of sick, really, but it’s really so much fun to just stop for an hour and do something so simple and so rooted in our childhoods.  Oddly enough,though, neither of us really color at all when we aren’t together.  Krista gave me another new hobby this trip, though.  The Lakers were playing in the NBA championships against the Orlando Magic and K is a HUGE Lakers fan.  So the first night we hung out together game 4 (I think) was on and she said she had to watch it.  Anyone that knows me well at all knows that I’m absolutely not a sports fan in any way, shape or form.  So we got out coloring books and I got out Mom’s laptop and settled in for what I thought would be a boring television event, but still time with K is so rare b/c of the distance, so any time at all is priceless to me.  About halfway through the game, though, I realized that I was watching the TV almost as much as I was reading posts on Ravelry.  By the last five minutes of the game I had put the laptop down and was watching the action raptly.  By the time the final game rolled around a few nights later, I was all about the game.  I cheered and I booed and I jumped up and down.  I was almost hoping the Lakers would lose so that there would be another game.  They didn’t lose, though, and the victory was amazing.  So now I’m a basketball fan. A Laker’s fan at that.  Looking very much forward to pre-season.  Of course, knowing me, it may not last.  We’ll see.  I was a “hockey fan” for awhile when the Wings won their first Stanley Cup in however many long, long years.  That lasted about half of the next season and then I got bored out of my skull with it all (I think I just committed a sacrilege as far as my mother – a RABID Wings fan – is concerned).

I finally got my own copy of New Pathways for Sock Knitters, so I can finish the second Spiraling Coriolis sock.  I’m about 2/3 of the way done with it, maybe a little less.  I got so excited about sock knitting that I joined the 52 Pair Plunge III @ Ravelry.  Of course I haven’t even finished pair #1 so I’m WAY behind…LOL  I think , though, that once I finish the WIPs that are outstanding gifts I owe to people (the Moderne Baby Blanket for Fran’s new granddaughter and the Anouk dress for Lisa’s new baby due any time now) I’ll throw myself a little more into sock knitting.  I’ve just ordered matching sets of fixed circs. from Knit Picks: one each of the Harmony and the Nickle plated in sizes 0-3 (which is actually 6 needles in each material b/c there are 2 different sizes of 1 and 2 b/c of the metric measurements) in the 24″ length.  I was going to just order the sizes in the Harmony wood in the 24″ and 32″ lengths so that I could differentiate easily when using 2 circs (which I really do like for socks) but I thought that the different materials for the tips would make the distinction even easier and I really have found that I like the nickle more than I thought I did.  I have the Options sets in both materials so if I need longer than 24″ needles I’ve got that covered as well.

I love shopping at Amazon, btw.  I just ordered and received the newest version of the Kindle; it was an early birthday gift from my mother.  LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!!  I’ve already got five or six books and several blogs on it.  So nice to have choices in such a slim and light container.  I always want to take something to read with me, but can’t ever decide what so I end up schlepping three or four hard cover books with me on vacations or when I know I’ll be bored for awhile.  Great for choice, but heavy as all hell.  This is much nicer!!  I also ordered a whole slew of knitting books:

• A Treasury of Knitting Patterns Volumes 1 & 2:  I’ve always wanted to have a great stitch dictionary collection and I like these the best so far.  I’m not big on designing things myself – I’m still too chicken to even play too much with changing elements in patterns that I’m following.  Just looking through these books, though, has inspired me a bit.  I found myself thinking ‘that would make a great cuff or edging on a sweater’ or ‘that would be a great cuff or leg pattern for a sock’.  It’s a step in the right direction.  I WILL get braver with my knitting before the end of year.  My goal is to design one thing, no matter how simple it is – maybe I’ll design the scarves I’m planning to make for TJ and Jake this year rather than following a pattern.
• Elizabeth Zimmerman’s  Knitting Workshop, Elizabeth Zimmerman’s Knitting Almanac and Knitting Without Tears:  I’ve  heard so many great things about E.Z. and I thought this would be a great time to “get to know her”.  I thought I ordered The Opinionated Knitter as well, but I guess not.  It’s something for the future.
• Lace Style:  You can never have too many lace knitting books
• A Gathering of Lace:  See above….love the lace knitting!!
• The Intentional Spinner, The Spinner’s Companion and Spin Control:  I’ve been spinning for a little more than a year and a half now and I still kind of feel like I’m working blind.  I can spin a decent yarn but I have very little control as to how it comes out.  I’m still not sure about the different kinds of drafting and how to do them.  I’m in love with spindle spinning, which I feel like I have a lot more control with, and I love my wheel, but I feel like I’m always playing catch up when I’m using the wheel.  I rarely, if ever, get the yarn that I expect to get from it.  I want to learn more and to get better.  I really need a spinning class to get me on the right track.  I need someone to teach me all these different “draws” and how they work and what I’m doing wrong…
• Teach Yourself Visually Hand-dyeing:  I love hand dyeing and another book on it can only be good.
• Sock Innovation:  I’m all about sock knitting these days and I’m a big fan of Cookie A.’s designs even though I’ve never knit one.  The chapters on design are really a big selling point for me.

• Toe Up:  This is the WendyKnits book.  I didn’t actually order this one, I bought it at Barnes N Noble while I was in CA.  I found I really like the toe up method of knitting socks and there are really cute patterns in this book.  I’m looking forward to knitting some of these for the “Plunge”

I’ve had a lot of time to look through my book and play with the Kindle in the last few weeks.  Here’s a big TMI warning if you don’t want to know more than you ever dreamed about my cycles and periods….

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I’ve been undergoing the very beginning of fertility treatments since late March.  50 mg. of Clomid from days 3-7 of the cycle.  Only did one cycle and it didn’t work.  I got my period 50 days into the Clomid cycle and it started with spotting that lasted for almost 2 weeks, which was annoying but tolerable.  When I was out in CA the real period finally started and was heavy (which I expect) and irritating – it got bad the same day as the David Cook concert, of course – but it wasn’t unbearable.  Now that I’m three weeks into this period and I’m bleeding like a stuck pig half the time with HUGE clots and not bleeding at all the other half, I’m irritated.  It’s gotten to the point where I have to stay in bed or on the couch most of the time b/c any real activity or straining myself makes the bleeding horrible.  For example I got out of bed on the 4th to hang out at the bonfire in the yard b/c my mother-in-law and TJ’s Aunt Nancy were there.  Just sitting out there, walking around and playing with Jake a bit was the most I did and when I got back inside I ended up having to change my pajama bottoms twice in 30 minutes.  I’ve been feeling dizzy, foggy headed, crampy and just plain yucky since this started.  Saw the doctor today, had an ultra sound and am going to meet with a new fertility specialist tomorrow morning.  So nervous!!  I am terrified that I’m going to find out that I can’t have another baby and that would break my heart.  TJ and I are not necessarily in agreement about fertility treatments.  I’m all about doing whatever it takes to have another child and TJ isn’t sure if he’s on board for getting really into the infertility treatments.  He’s terrified by the though of higher level multiples and he’s afraid that my body won’t deal well with “forcing” pregnancy.  IVF is still a long way away, I hope, but he’s so against the thought and while it’s not my first choice for a way to have a baby, if it’s my only option, I’m totally on board with it.  This is going to be a long process, and it’s going to take a lot of talking and figuring out what is important to us and what our priorities when it comes to family are.  I’m scared!

Boring Day but a lot was accomplished.

I have a kitchen again!!!  YAY!  It’s not totally done, it still needs a new floor and cupboards/drawers etc. but the basics are in and working.  I have a single bowl sink with a removable faucet to help clean dishes.  The refrigerator is in the kitchen and running well.  The dishwaher, while looking kind of ugly without the counter top that one normally sees over it, is running well without leaking.  TJ and my FIL tell me that tomorrow night I should have my washer and dryer as well as sink basin down the basement fully functional.

My knitting has kind of taken a beating these last few days.  I did finish the Twist wrist warmer that was suppsed to complete the pair for my mother who now tells me she doesn’t know where the original is and can I please make yet another one.   G00d thing Malabrigo has a decent sized skein and this pattern doesn’t seem to use a ton of it. There’s enough left.

I ordered a bunch of Knit Picks Shine Sport last night to make the Moderne Baby Blanket from Mason/Dixon knitting.  I’m using the colors Blush, Silver Sage, Green Apple, and Willow.  All very lightish shades that I think the pink will stand out against, but not too much.  I didn’t want to do anything too traditionally girly.  I also ordered the yarn for the Anouk pattern from Knitty in the same brand and same colors that are reccomended.  It seemed like a rather non-traditional kind of gift and it will serve more than one purpose.  If it’s too big to be a dress for the new baby, the older girl who is three could probably wear it as a top for awhile first.  I love clothes like that, especially baby clothes, that can serve multi-purposes.  YAY!!

I’m planning a knit night here in the next month.  Going to look at a calendar now…brb…Maybe Feb. 3rd or 4th or else the 10th or 11th.  I’ll leave that up to the girls to decide.  Shelly said that she would attend and I couldn’t be more excited about that.  Maybe I can even convince Andrea to come down for a few days to be a part of things…we’ll see.  I’m not really sure what to serve, bring etc. to this thing.  I was thinking some pumpernicle and spinach dip b/c it’s always cool to eat the food container.  Definitely a selection of wines and some beers; a few mixies etc. along with juice, iced tea, coffee, tea, and soda.  That should keep everyone happy.  I’ll bake some bread and put out butter and I’ll leave the rest to chance.  I hope we have our love seat by then.  Otherwise we’ll be using the coffee table as well as the couches and recliners.  I just want everyone to be happy and to have a good time here.  I miss hanging out and knitting with the gang but feel like I’m a bit out of step with everyone.  ARGH!!!

I’ve picked the pattern for my CamelSpin yarn.  I can’t remember what it’s called, but it’s a VERY simple triangular shawl with eyelettes and that’s about it.  I wanted something that wasn’t too fussy nor too lacy and I want to feel the softeness all around me every time I wrap myself in it – which will be often.  Later, when I can afford to buy more, I’ll make myself a HUGE Clapotis style wrap for laying on the couch with…without the drops, of course.

That’s about it.  Nothing new to report except I might have to maim my child if he doesn’t stop asking to come and sleep next to me.  It’s been a real bitch getting him to sleep in his own bed these last few weeks.  We’ve moved his mattress right next to our blow up bed (we still have to get our bed unpacked and put back together) and that’s not good enough anymore.  Now it’s all about wanting to be right up against me while he sleeps.  UGH!!!  I adore him and I want to be with him all the time, of course, but how will I ever have another baby with him in the bed with us anytime we enter this room.  Babysitters are the key, I think.  Someone to watch him so we have time to work on baby #2…LOL

Sunny California Pt. 2

I’ve been here in sunny, happy Seal Beach for three weeks tomorrow and I’m having a great time!  I miss TJ like crazy, but if it wasn’t for that, this would be a perfect trip and I’d be happy to stay here forever.

Right now I’m sitting in a recliner with the laptop on my lap and the big screen TV in front of me.  It’s 80 degrees and sunny and absolutely gorgeous.  I’m sitting here instead of playing outside with Little Man b/c my feet and ankles have been really badly swollen for the last three or four days.  I’ve been trying to ignore it and just go on, but they have been getting worse and worse and today it hurts to even walk.  Not sure what the cause is:  blood pressure (but I don’t have the headaches that have typically gone with my b.p. problems in the past), sodium issues (but I haven’t been eating or drinking anything different from back home), and my favorite, pregnancy.  That would be a real blast.  I’ve had other “symptoms” of impending mommy-hood as well:  heartburn, changes in the way the areola look as well as my nipples (they’re darker and they’re bigger around, my fatigue has been crazy (I’m always crazy, but it comes and goes whenever it feels like it).  I know the odds are so small that I’m pregnant, and I also know that I always think that I’m pregnant as soon as there is one little symptom that “might” mean pregnancy, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up here.  It would be wonderful, though, and a great birthday gift to my mother to have another baby.  I guess we’ll see in a few weeks; it’s too soon to do a test – still a few weeks to go until I’d be around 6 weeks, so I’ll just keep waiting and hoping.    Keep your fingers crossed for me.

As I’m sitting here I’m watching my mom and Little Man playing outside.  They’re blowing bubbles together and it’s the most heartwarming thing I’ve ever seen.  He’s really taken to her and she’s so in love with him.  Just watching them together makes my heart swell with pride and joy.  It’s like she’s 20 years younger when she’s with him.  I can’t remember the last time I saw her happy like this and I love it!!!

****ETA****Didn’t finish writing until now; I was called outside by Little Man to participate in the bubble blowing and leaf finding and said to hell with my legs and went for it wtih him.  Bad idea, for the most part.  Lots more swelling and a little more pain as well.  I’ll be okay, though

I’m not pregnant

There’s an interesting title for a blog post. It’s true, though. The hubby and I have been talking about/trying to get pregnant for a little while now, but to no avail.

****WARNING*** Personal, somewhat icky (to some) information re: my reproductive system coming up… Will let you know when it’s over…

Getting pregnant with Jacob was fairly easy. I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler and started charting. It worked. Within 3-4 cycles, I was pregnant with Little Man. Periods were slow to come back after I stopped pumping (he wouldn’t nurse adequately and I was determined to give him only breast milk for the first six months…that’s a whole post of its own, though) and weren’t regular to say the least; number of days ranged from 30 days (not bad) to 90+ days (kind of crazy). Didn’t really think much about it at the time since we weren’t interested in getting pregnant at the time. Since my back has been better, though, it’s become more and more an obsession of mine. It’s kind of like knitting and spinning but without the pretty yarn. So I’ve been keeping an eye on things and discovered something terrible. I’m not ovulating at all, nor am I getting a period without the help of Provera every three months. This is very disconcerting to say the least. My doctor has been rather casual about the whole thing, not wanting to get too crazy with treatment or even tests too soon. Frustrating, but I’ve been going with it. A few weeks ago, she gave in and ordered a panel of blood tests (which I’m still waiting to hear anything about the results on) and said that after getting them she’d call in a Progesterone cream script for me. Hasn’t happened yet. The frustrating thing is that my body is giving me all the signs of the regular hormonal things happening: My cervical mucus (that’s such an ugly sounding phrase) regularly goes from dry to sticky to wet and egg whitey several times per “cycle”. I regularly have three or four days of “egg white CM” which tricks me into thinking I might be fertile. I have to admit that I haven’t been great about the morning temping (by this I mean I haven’t been doing it) so I don’t have that information to look at. I also get the pregnancy/period on its way symptoms on a regular basis. Take this month for example: my boobs are heavy, rounder and sore, the veins in them are much more noticeable (it’s like a road map on my chest), I’ve had heart burn on and off for about a week and a half (that was the first sign with Jacob), not to mention the cramping which has been going on for a few days.

***END OF TMI WARNING***

All of these signs/symptoms led me to believe that it was possible that I really might have ovulated without realizing it and might indeed be pregnant. I didn’t get my hopes up too far b/c I knew just how unlikely it was that after all this time I’d just start ovulating, but I couldn’t help getting the tiniest bit excited at that thought. Another mid to late summer baby wasn’t a great thought, but at this point, I’ll take what I can get. Did a pregnancy test last night and, of course, it was negative. What was I expecting though. I’m starting to wonder if I don’t have to just accept the fact that Little Man will be the only baby I have. It’s not like I’m getting any younger. I really wanted to go with a more aggressive stance on testing and treating my fertility problems, but Dr. M doesn’t think it’s a good idea. I’m not concerned enough, yet, to push it to another doctor, but I’m not sure how far away that is, either.

Onto other topics. Color Wonder fingerpaints. Can I just say Hooray for these. Jacob wants to draw/paint etc. all the time. The problem with this is that, like any three year old, he has no comprehension that the bed, walls, cat etc. are not the appropriate places to do this. For example, I lay down with him one day last week for nap time and he woke up before me, rather than wake me up like he normally does, he got into my knitting notions bag and pulled out my dry erase markers that I use for marking up the page sleeves I keep my patterns in and drew all over my $200 dollar (my one real luxury item are my sheets) sheets, my pajamas and himself. I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or kill him. I chose laugh b/c really, what could I do. After that TJ and I sat him down and had a talk with him, but I really don’t think he gets it. We tried the Color Wonder line when he was a little younger – the marker and coloring book set – but he didn’t show much interest in it. He didn’t have the patience to wait for the chemical reaction to make the color develop. Those markers really do take a long time to develop the color. We bought the finger paints at the same time, but after his reaction to the markers we didn’t bother to get them out. The other night while TJ and I were making dinner, I got them out as a last ditch effort to get him to behave while we were cooking. Amazingly enough, he was fascinated by it. For the last few days it’s all he’s wanted to do. Of course we don’t let him finger paint all day, but it’s a great way to give him something to do that isn’t messy and totally engrosses him. I strongly recommend them to all parents of toddlers who have any interest in coloring/painting etc.

Knitting content: I figure, since the word Knits is in the title of this blog, there should be something said about knitting. The BJL&L Shawl is coming along nicely. I’ve got 10 1/2 of 25 repeats done. I don’t see a problem with getting it done long before Christmas, though. Or at least on time. I’m also working on the Circular Shrug which is my mindless knitting project. It’s all k2p2 ribbing and a mock rib pattern. I’m enjoying working on it and hope to have it done before Christmas so I can wear it. I’m making it with Noro Silver Thaw and it’s soft and very vibrant. The main colors are oranges and blue greens. I’ll post a picture when I get around to it. I’m really glad I only committed to two projects for Christmas this year. Anymore and I would have been screwed. There are actually a few more gifts I’m planning to make, but they are for people who know that they won’t be done until after the holiday. Small things like a ball band bag etc.

A little of this and that (NaBloWriMo #2)

Here I am on day 2 of NaBloWriMo and I’m still at it…LOL  I’m good at this.  Right now I’m sitting here with Jake watching Pooh’s Heffalump Halloween Movie (for the10th time in 2 days).  It’s not Beetlejuice, though, which is his current favorite, so I’m grateful for that.  It’s almost bedtime and there’s nothing like a movie in the dark to get him ready.  Of course we’ll have to watch a little Tom and Jerry before he actually goes up or there will be no sleeping in the House of Dwire.

I’ve spent a good part of today sitting on my butt (per doctor’s orders) and reading foster parenting and adoption blogs.  I finally went to the doctor yesterday for the coughing and wheezing and the bladder infection.  She said I was  “full of gunk” in my lungs and the nitrites in my urine are off the charts.  Fun.  So I’m on two antibiotics and I’m supposed to rest as much as possible until my chest clears out.  This is at least the 4th time I’ve had pneumonia; I’ve been prone to it ever since I got it from my mother in 2003.  I’ve been trying to stay away from the infertility blogs b/c I’m terrified that I’m going to end up being a secondary infertility blogger before long.  I can’t remember the last time I ovulated or had a period without using Provera.  I have an appointment with Dr. M in a few weeks to discuss this.  Last time we talked about it, she said that if I didn’t start ovulating soon we’d send me to the fertility specialist in the practice to see what’s going on.  I’m nervous, but I really do want another child and it seems this is the way to go.  I’ll write more about it as I know something. I really think it would be good for Jacob to have a sibling.

His surgery is in 6 days and I’m already wigging out about it.  I want it to be over, I don’t want him to have it at all…I’m a wreck.  I know that tonsil surgery isn’t a big deal, really, but this is my baby we’re talking about and I hate to think of him being scared and in pain.  ARGH!!!

On a happy note, I’m almost finished with the first moebius scarf for Christmas.  I think I’ll be starting number 2 tonight.  I can’t wait until they are both done!!

Fifi starts again

So I had to frog Fifi b/c I made a mistake with the first cabling row. ARGH!!  I played with the idea of putting it aside and trying the Red Carpet Convertible pattern, but I changed my mind.  If  I put Fifi down now, I’ll never go back to it, I know myself.  I’ll definitely make the RCC, but I don’t know when.  With the exception of Fifi , I’m kind of committed to all X-mas knitting from this point on.  I’ve got two shawls, at least three scarves, no four scarves and that’s just for TJ’s side of the family.  My mother is a lot more difficult (no, she’s not speaking to me yet, if you were wondering) to knit for.  I don’t think she’d get a lot of use out of a lacy shawl.  Maybe I should make her a shawl that’s more substantial; something that she can wrap around herself while she’s reading at home at night.  I’ve got a kit for a cardigan for her, but it’s Fair Isle, and I’m not sure if I have anywhere near the skills neede to make it.  Why, you might ask, would I buy  a kit  for something I don’t have a clue about..simple answer, I’m a glutton for punishment.  I was going to knit her an afghan, but I doubt I’d get it done on time and it seems like it’s not quite personal enough.  Any suggestions for a rectangular shawl that’s not too lacy and would be great to wrap around you while you sit on your couch; something that is still luxurious, though, would be greatly appreciated.

I still haven’t heard from the medical equipment company re: my CPAP machine.  I was hoping I’d have it by now.  My exhaustion is getting worse every day.  I have so many things going on that I want to do – I’m signed up for several knitting classes in the coming weeks – and I just hope that I have the energy to do it.  I found a knitting group in Battle Creek that I want to join, but I’m afraid to drive that far, especially at night b/c of the apnea.  What if I doze off coming home?  Wouldn’t that be a treat…I keep telling myself that all i have to do is to get to bed a little earlier, but that leaves me just as tired as staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning.

Jake’s third birthday is coming up soon…too soon.  My baby is growing up too fast.  we’ve had baby making on hold while we dealt with finding out what was going on with me, but now that we know, I think once the CPAP makes me a little more alert and more energetic,  we will revisit the baby conversation.  There have been a lot of times that I’ve wondered if I even have it in me to be a mommy to a newborn/baby/toddler again.  All I could think about was how tired I’ve been and the lack of sleep etc.  Now that I know that my tiredness and my problems with sleep have to do with my sleep apnea, I’m hoping that I’ll feel better, have energy etc. and be ready to have another baby.  I really don’t want Jake to be an only child; I am one and it was a lonely existence growing up.  I feel like, though, I’m getting to a point where a sibling will be too far apart in age for Jacob to feel like he has a true playmate.  Maybe, though, I’m just over thinking all of this and I should just stop and go with the flow, just let life happen.  That’s one of the most difficult things for me to do.