I Rock…

Okay maybe it’s actually the Garden Shawl pattern, but still. ..Without me it would just be a pattern.  Full of myself tonight, huh?!?!  LOL  Seriously, though, this is truly a wonderfully written pattern, which was a huge relief after that disaster that I made of Rambling Leaves.  Both of these patterns can be found in the free patterns section of Elann’s website.  I’m all about the free patterns.  I’m into the chart part now and have gotten through about 10 rows of the chart.  It’s very easy to read, very intuitive and I love the way it’s looking!!

In other news, I’m going to have some free time for knitting; Jake is staying up North with  “Unkie and Kay”.  I managed to hurt myself last night; my ribs, shoulder, ankle, upper arm and forehead all have bruises and/or swelling.  How did I manage this, you ask.  I’m truly just a glutton for punishment.  I was home alone and I decided that it was depressing and I should beat the hell out of myself…LOL Actually, it’s as simple as I’m really just a really big klutz that shouldn’t use the upstairs bathroom after taking my Klonopin to help me use the sleep apnea mask without freaking out.  I’m okay, nothing broken, but I’m sore and I look a little like I got into a bar room brawl.  TJ’s dad joked that it’s a good thing he was FAR away up north with witnesses when it happened.  Yeah, like anyone who’s ever met TJ would think for even one second that he would capable of hitting me.  NOT!!!

So I’m camped out on the chaise in the living room with the laptop, my knitting and my Ipod watching TV and feeling sorry for myself.  After starting this big cleaning and redecorating event, I want to finish it.  I did straighten up the kitchen a bit tonight, but it hurt like hell.  I was also going to bite the pain bullet and make some spaghetti; I had a massive craving.  I got everything out, started the water to boil for the pasta and then discovered that the ground beef was not good.  It was brown instead of red (which I know is just oxidation, not necessarily anything bad) and the sell by date was over a week ago.  It probably would have been fine, but I’ve had food poisoning before and I’m not willing to take that chance again.  So trusty, and quick, oatmeal it is.  I have such an exciting life, folks, I don’t know how you can stand reading about all the action around here.  I’m just full of sarcasm and bad jokes tonight, huh?

Seriously, I’m thrilled that Garden Path is coming together so nicely and that I seem to actually “get it”.  There  may be hope for me yet…

Night Y’all

Bad blogger and taking charge of my life

I’ve been a bad little blogger.  I haven’t posted in awhile.  Life has been a little crazy.  Not really, kind of, maybe I’m just being lazy.  LOL

TJ and Jake are up north (again) for the beginning of the week.  Jake loves it up there so much, and I wish I could be there with them to see his joy and his freedom, but I’m just not quite there yet.  Being up there reminds me so much of the darkest time in my life; a time when, looking back, I was so close to breaking completely and possibly not coming back.  It’s a shame b/c I really do love it up there, at least I did before I lived there.  How many people are thinking ‘drama queen’?  Hands?!?!  I even feel that way a bit, but whatever, I’m not ready to be there.  I know that eventually I’m going to have to just suck it up and get my ass up there and take care of closing down the house and getting the things that I want for this house down here, but not yet.  Maybe after the dead heat of summer is over and fall has set in.  It’s so gorgeous up there in the fall:  the colors are indescribable and to die for.  It’s the final step to getting over things, I know.

I’ve actually been productive while I’ve been home alone this time, though.  I rearranged the living room yesterday and I love it.  We’ve pretty much just had the furniture where the delivery guys put it since March when we moved in.  I’ve been so complacent about this house for FAR too long.  I think a big part of it was going from that shitty little trailer (I’ve seen really nice trailers and then there’s where we lived…one day I’ll post some pictures) to this big, beautiful house.  It was overwhelming.  I’m finally taking charge, though.  I’m taking charge of my life, charge of my family and charge of my house.  The next step is a little decorating.  I’ve got a huge box full of frames etc. that I got when we lived in the trailer that I never found the drive to use.  I’m about to dig out that box and Jake’s baby pics as well as wedding pics etc. and take this HOUSE we’ve been living in and make it our HOME!  I feel so strong and so empowered since I’ve made these decisions.  I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve spent so many years just letting life happen to me; I’ve just kind of skated along, going with the flow, not feeling like I have any control so why bother.  It’s all a mind set, I think.  I’m the only one that can make my life the kind of life that I want, and for too long I’ve longed for a “good” and “normal” life and waited for it to come to me.  Now I’m going to reach out and take it.  Funny how something as small as rearranging some furniture can lead to a whole life revolution.  I’m feeling like rushing through this entry so I can get to it.  I won’t, though.

One of the biggest steps I took was moving my “base of operations”.  When I lived at the trailer, when we first moved in, I was hurt and I couldn’t really get out of bed for more than a few minutes at a time.  Over time, that bedroom became my safe place.  I didn’t feel comfortable in any other room in the house for long periods of time.  I got to a point where I was afraid to leave the house.  Even going on the porch was a traumatic event.  TJ forced me to leave the house, to go for drives, even when I was clinging to the door, eyes screwed shut, sure we were going to die, it was not a good time in my life.  My mother bought me a new car last year when I was visiting her in CA, but I was too terrified to drive it.  TJ got a lot of use out of my beautiful PT Cruiser, but for me it was one more bitter reminder of what a failure I had become at life.  Anyone who knew me in the past knows that cars were where I spent most of my free time.  My best friend D and I  spent much of our teen/early 20’s driving around, chatting, listening to music etc.; I’m talking about 6-10 hours a day.  Sounds lame now, but back then it was a great time, some of the best times of my life.

When we moved here, I was determined to make things different.  In a lot of ways, they were from the beginning, I stopped being afraid to leave the house to a degree.  I was still uncomfortable with it, but I wasn’t incapable of the act anymore.  My housekeeping skills, which were non-existent in the trailer, definitely improved dramatically.  The problem was that the bedroom remained the room that I was most comfortable in.  I moved in my TV, took the cable box from the living room and moved it up there, brought all my knitting supplies in there and made that the place I was.  I spent easily 3/4 of my day in the house in that bedroom.  It was a lot nicer than the bedroom at the trailer, but still it was a prison of sorts; a much prettier one, but still I was trapped.  It changed yesterday, and I don’t even know why.  I moved the cable box back to the living room where it belongs, I took the TV completely out of the bedroom, it’s never coming back, and I redid the living room.  It seems like it’s a really small thing, but for me a HUGE step and I’m really proud and I’m really happy about it.  When we moved in, my mother bought us a living room and dining room full of gorgeous and very comfortable furniture and I’m finally using it.  YAY me.  How sad that this is a major accomplishment for me.  I need to keep this thing going, I need to keep moving forward and taking steps, even if they are just baby steps.

On to knitting.  If you’re still with me at this point, through all my rambling and probably repeating myself over and over again, thanks.  You are troopers.   My main focus is my scarf swap partner’s scarf.  It really is beautiful and I’m enjoying working on it.  I just have to make the time to get it done.  I emailed her yesterday, explaining the craziness that’s been going on with Jake and TJ, then me, being sick and the drama with Jake having to go to the ENT on Thursday to see if they’re going to take his tonsils out (Dr. V seemed pretty sure that’s what’s going to happen) and almost as traumatic me having to possibly have mine out (which D, who went through it last year, told me is the most painful thing; that it’s a terrible recovery) and I just hope she understands.  I’m so  going to spoil her with goodies as well as her scarf in the final package.  I hope she loves it.

My other big knitting project(s) of the time is the X-mas gifts.  I finally started the Garden Path Shawl last night and I got it.  After the Rambling Leaves Shawl disaster I was really worried about another lace shawl.  This one is going great, though.  I made it through the first 18 rows and I’ll start the chart tonight; after putting in the time on the scarf.  I’m committed to at least two lace repeats per day for the scarf so I can get it done.  I wanted to just sit and plug away at it until I was done, but I’ve found that after a few repeats, my mind starts to wander and I start to make mistakes.  I want this to be perfect for my swappee and dammit, I’m going to, even if it takes a little longer to get it done.

Okay, enough rambling for one day.  Time to get out those frames and decide how to best make this house MY home!!!

Later Y’all.

A visit from Nan and face mask hell

Haven’t had much time to write lately. Had Nan here for the last week or so…such fun. It was great to get to spend some time with her, unfortunately, we also had to go to a funeral for her ex-boyfriend’s father. It was very sad, but the wake was actually kind of fun. Is it wrong to say that? It was a celebration of Tony’s life and everyone seemed to be having a good time, as good as can be expected in a situation like that, anyway.

The sleep apnea machine is here and it’s helping. I’m having a lot of trouble with the claustrophobia issue, though. I have to take Klonopin to get calm enough not to rip it off in a panic and that leaves me a little groggy the next day. I’m hoping that with time I’ll be able to lower the dose as I adjust until I don’t need it. I’m not using the machine as much as I should, but I’m trying and I’m feeling a difference already. I was told about Sleep Deprivation Banking, which basically means that my body has stored up sleep deprivation and so I’m still feeling the effects of it even now, but it’s not as bad as when I wasn’t using anything. So hopefully I’ll be back up to full strength and speed soon enough.

Jacob had his three year check up and things are good. We talked about behavior issues and how much I’ve spoiled him b/c of the guilt that I have for the time I couldn’t care for him as a baby. Dr. V. told me I need to just get over it, that he doesn’t remember it and that I’m not doing him any favors by spoiling him. Good advice and I’ve taken it to heart. We’re working on the concept of “NO” with him now. Lots of tantrums but I’m ignoring them like the doctor told me to. They are still fierce, but they seem to be getting shorter in duration. Dr. V. told us we have to deal with one issue at a time (he actually said up to three, but we’re going with one until we have some of the worst problems under control) and the next one will be sleeping in his room. I actually wanted to tackle this first but Dr. V. suggested we wait until he’s a little more under control. So he’s still laying here next to me while TJ sleeps downstairs. UGH…I’m lonely. The only problem is that his tonsils are on the large side; that combined with snoring and some random apneatic incidents means that we have to see the ENT on Thursday the 30th and decide if he’s having his tonsils out. I’m so worried even though it’s a simple thing and he probably won’t even need them out.

As for knitting. I’m working on a million things; I’ve got Lizard Ridge going as well as Booga Bag and X-mas knitting. Oh, and a pair of Jaywalkers and my scarf for my secret pal. I’ve been working on the swap scarf most, but I’ve had so little time to knit with everyone being sick and traveling down to my FIL’s.

We got to see our “old” friends, who are still very much our friends and it was so great!!! I didn’t realize how much I missed them until we were with all of them and their kids and Jake. He had a great time with Connor and Hunter and Griffin as well as Jude and Alexandria. All his little “cousins” were with him for the first time and I reveled in watching him have so much fun!!!

Three years Old Today – A Letter To My Little Man

Jacob,

Today is your third birthday. You are up north with Uncle John and Aunt Kate right now; you’ve been away from us for almost a week now, while Mommy was sick and now that I’m feeling better, I just want to get to you and hold you. I miss you so much; your little voice telling me you love me and your little hand rubbing my hair and my arm. I miss watching you sleep and listening to you snore and talk to me in your sleep.

You came into our lives 2 weeks early b/c your head was so big. It still is big, but it’s gorgeous. The first time I saw you, I was blown away by how gorgeous you were, even as a newborn all scrunched, angry (and boy were you angry about all the noise and light and cold). The meds that were used to keep my numb while they were delivering you seemed to be affecting my hands and arms and when I tried to touch your face, it was more like a clubbing motion. It’s one of those moments that makes me want to both laugh and cry at the same time. I felt so bad, but I needed to touch you. The first time I got to actually hold you changed my life completely and forever. You became a part of me in a way that I didn’t even know was possible.

Taking you home from the hospital was a great day. My biggest memory of that day, oddly enough, is stopping on the way home from the hospital at the toy store so that we could pick up a swing for you – one of the best things I’ve ever bought- man you loved that swing!! The first few weeks at home were great. We were such a happily little insulated family. Your Nana stayed with us for your first 6 weeks and that was stressful but wonderful.

When you were six weeks old, I hurt myself and it changed our lives for a long time. I couldn’t do anything really for almost a year and a half, so we had to have a nanny to take care of you. I’m afraid that you thought she was your mother when you were really small. That broke my heart and I didn’t react well, I’m afraid. I kind of got locked inside myself and gave in to the depression for too long. Thank God for your Daddy and for your Nan; they were really there for you when I couldn’t be. Those are dark days for me; days that I don’t like to think about b/c I missed so much time that I can never get back. I don’t have those baby memories that most mothers have and that breaks my heart every day and probably always will. Our two years in Lake City, while not great for me, were good times for you. You spent so much time running and playing and doing things that most boys don’t get to do. Your favorite things were tractors, snow mobiles and ATVs before you were even a year old. Power tools and extreme riding equipment has always been a part of your life and as much as it scares me, I’m afraid it always will be. You learned to walk, talk, eat, laugh and almost every other basic skill in that little cabin on 20 acres. It wasn’t the right place for us, though, Mommy just couldn’t seem to get past all the moments that were sad for me.

So we picked up and moved back to Kalamazoo, where Daddy works. This is where you were conceived, born and spent the first 3 months of your life. This is the place where I think I’ve spent the happiest years of my life. I miss the little apartment where we conceived you and brought you home. Our new house, though, is great for you. You love that we have stairs now and you can run up and down them all the time. You love having a backyard with a garden to “help” Daddy with and your sandpile and buckets that you need to “help” water the garden or the lawn.

Your personality is definitely starting to develop more and more. You show empathy and such a sweet sense of not wanting anyone to be upset. “Don’t swy (cry) Mommy” you say any time I am upset or even when I yawn a few times and have tears running down my face. Anytime anyone gets hurt you want to kiss the boo boo for them. When I’m sick you come up to me and pat my shoulder, telling me, “It be okay Mommy”. Last week, Daddy was sick and every time he coughed, you ran to the steps and yelled “Are you okay,” down to him. You have a truly good soul and I’m so proud of that in you.

You’ve also got a mind of your own. You want what you want when you want and how you want. You mean now! Patience is something we’re still working on and I know you’ll get it. Just not yet. Which is fine. How long do we really have in life when we are young enough to be able to be an almost completely selfish creature without it being a bad thing? Not many. Those days are slowly coming to an end for you, so I’m trying not to rush you. There are times, though, when that mind of your own makes me want to tear my hair out. Then I remind myself that that mind of your own will serve you well later in life. You are not going to be a follower. There is so much leader in you.

You’ve been asking about a baby sister or brother on occasion lately when we see a baby. That’s something I’m really hoping to give you soon.

This month your Unkie’s cat had kittens. Man, you love those things. I was really worried that you weren’t going to be able to be understand how to be gentle with them, especially with the way you’re so playful with the older animals. You really blew me away, though.  You are so sweet and gentle with the baby kittens.  You kiss them gently and tell them you love them; you pet them like they are made of glass.  I’d really like to be able to give you one of those kittens for your very own, but now isn’t a good time for a new animal.  We will get you a kitten or a puppy when you’re just a little bit older.

We’re planning a special Mommy, Daddy,  Jacob only party when we’re back here on Thursday.  I’m going to order a cake and get gifts and hats, bubbles, balloons…all your favorite things and we’re going to have a great time!!

I love you so much, Jacob.  You are truly a gift to your father and me.  My wish for you is that you keep growing and getting stronger and smarter and that you stay just as sweet, thoughtful and loving as you are right now.  My promise to you is that I’ll give you the environment where you can flourish and where you are free to be whoever you turn out to be.

The Cost of Illness and lots of knitting

Yesterday was the day I was supposed to be meeting and learning from one of my biggest knitting heroes, Annie Modesitt. I say supposed to, b/c I opted not to go. Sounds crazy, right? My motivation was good: I caught this bronchitis thing from TJ and/or Jacob and I’m still pretty sick and pretty contagious; I’m actually not positive on the contagious part, but I didn’t want to take any chances since Annie’s husband, Gerry, is having a bone marrow transplant in the next week or so and I didn’t want to take the chance of possibly getting her sick and her not being able to be with Gerry while his immunity is lowered.  I’m not a doctor, but I think that would be really bad for Gerry.  So, I gave up my chance for a brush with greatness for the well being of Annie and her husband.  It really was the only choice I could have done; if I had gotten her sick,that would have been a burden for me to bear.

The positive side of being sick is that I have gotten a lot of work done on the Dayflower scarf.  I’m not having the best luck with it, at least I wasn’t until last night that I really started to get it.  Until last night I had been having to “tink” back every few rows to fix  a missed or dropped stitch.  Last night, though, I finally got into a  groove of sorts and I got through three repeats.  I knit for about four hours last night and didn’t want to stop while I was in such a good rhythm.  In the end, though, I was so tired that I had to put it down or risk making the mistakes I had managed to avoid for much of the night.  I’m hoping to get through at least another 5-10 tonight.   Wish me luck.